August 20, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bisexual in a very feminine body. I have, for some time now, privately identified as “genderqueer” as I really do not feel like a woman, but I’m not really a guy either. I also identify as a top, not in terms of dominance but just in terms of being a giving partner vs. a receiving partner.

I have a broad range of attractions and of late, I have been seeing a lot of straight guys, which is partly a function of living in a small town. It is getting to the point with one where this issue should probably come up. My question for you is how I can best explain this subject without sending a straight guy running, or without causing him to fear that I may physically change genders at some point in the future? Are there good resources that address this issue?

-Tops Up

Sad fact: there are not many resources specific to genderqueers who are not transsexual. You might enjoy following Genderfork or get some info from Genderqueer Australia. There are also groups in larger cities, like Genderqueer Chicago, and a smattering of Meetups but overall, there remain precious few supplies of assistance for this vivid and varied crew. I pray that a slew of genderqueer angels will heed the desperate bleating for such resources and create a rush of websites, blogs, and articles for their people. Tops Up, you may be one of these heroes that your fellow genderqueers dream of. If you’re even slightly inclined, I command you to take to the keyboard post haste (makeshift mask and pillowcase cape optional)!

Until then, you have a question, and it’s one that so many share. Regardless of the failings of society at large for providing advice in this particular area, Tiggy can answer you. Of course she can answer you. Always bet on Upland.

I turned to my pal, J, a genderqueer genius, for their* experience with this exact dilemma. Most of it, says J, boils down to accepting yourself. No sexual partner, no matter how kind and open, will get you to be comfortable authentically expressing yourself until you accept that it’s OK to not choose a gender. You’re battling against every single thing thrown at you in life that says it’s not right to be neither male nor female, nor headed in the direction of either. But you’re not in this fight alone, not nearly. You can do this.

J concedes that even for people without a lick of shame surrounding their genderqueeritude, it can be exasperating to repeatedly slog through this dating scenario. In essence, J began to feel that having sex with straight guys felt probably like when a homosexual person who is not out to themselves has sex with someone of the opposite sex: the sex was perhaps exuberant but tender, their partner was both generous and considerate, good ol’ Tab A went into handy Slot B…but something was just off about the whole thing and they can’t quite put their finger on what.

J tells an anecdote about having a sexual experience with someone and suddenly realizing that this person saw J as a woman. J stepped back to wonder, “Is it OK that I need them to interact with me in the manner that I want, i.e. not acting toward me like, or even thinking that, I am a woman?” They ultimately decided that yes, it was. And it’s OK for you, too. It’s OK for you to need that and not accept less. J feels extremely distressed when regarded as a woman in bed; if you feel the same way, please know that your feelings are perfectly valid.

Although this might not be the answer for you, J solved their dilemma by not dating straight guys anymore. They did not want to restrict themselves to dating partners who restricted themselves to dating women. Whether you choose that route or not, both J and I want you to start telling your truth to the people in your life. We think you’ll be amazed at the results.

*J prefers the pronouns “they,” “their,” and “theirs.”

 
Actually, Black Sheep, you don’t have to get with this or that.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 6, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am bisexual, female, and in a year-long relationship with my girlfriend, who is also bisexual. Our best friend, “Anne,” is roommates with my girlfriend. Since she is fairly religious, we were afraid to tell her about us but finally did after four months in. Being a rather possessive person, Anne had a hard time dealing with us being in a relationship that she was not a part of. She was angry at first but got much better as time went on.

Today, though, Anne revealed that she had told her sister about us a long time ago so she could have someone to talk to about it. (Note that we are not completely out yet.) Unfortunately, her sister told their very religious father. After a long, grueling phone call in which Anne completely defended my girlfriend and me, her family told her she was going to hell for supporting us and that they didn’t want to see her again until she cut all ties to us.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined her life, and made her choose between her family and me. She keeps talking about how she has nobody to walk her down the aisle and no place to go for Christmas. I have no idea what to do.

Thank you for any advice.

-Guilty

Welp, Anne wanted to be a part of your relationship…aaaaand now she is. But before we talk about that, let’s review the ways in which you are not responsible for her actions or their repercussions:

  • She outed you to her sister without your permission.

  • Her sister told someone you ostensibly never would have told.

  • She opted to fight about it with her father.

You didn’t commit any of these actions that led up to the unfortunate result. Arguably, you might have made a different choice at every turn. You are responsible for none of this and, therefore, have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, even the part where Anne defended you to her father which, while honorable, was her decision to make. In order to get past your guilt, you need to acknowledge that you did not “[make] her choose between her family and [you].” If you want to put blame where blame is due, how about starting with her homophobic and vindictive father?

Back to Anne. While I don’t think it’s a conscious effort, I do think she’s getting something out of your guilt. On some level, she realizes that wailing about family-less special occasions makes you feel like you and your girlfriend owe it to her to become her new family. Now that she’s martyred herself for you (which, remember, you never asked her to do), she can enjoy being a permanent appendage to your relationship. You know you’re getting played at least a little when Anne is lamenting a lonely holiday a full eight months in advance. “Nobody to walk her down the aisle”…does she even have a boyfriend? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I suggest releasing your guilt or risk having it fester and turn into resentment. The next time Anne cues the violins for her plight as a political orphan, encourage her to consider making up with her father in some way. Tell her that you appreciate her standing up for you and your girlfriend, but you can’t take the place of her family.
 
Guilty: “You’re not our wife.”
Anne: “I threw my family for you.”
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 23, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter has informed my wife and me that she is bisexual. I am very supportive and accepting of her decision. However, she wants to “come out” on her Facebook page. I am curious if that is really the way to do it. I think she should tell her “true” friends and family, as I don’t really feel it matters what the rest of the world thinks. I guess I don’t really understand the Facebook thing when it comes to personal information because you’re not just telling people who are your friends, you’re telling the whole world. Maybe I’m just old fashioned?

-Steve

First and foremost, a big ol’ virtual high-five to you for being a supportive and accepting parent. It’s going to make it so much easier for your daughter to grow up happy and healthy, and she’s lucky to have you.

The thing you need to know about Facebook in this situation is what your daughter’s privacy settings are. Can the whole world really see her page or just the people she “friends”? (Pro-tip: “Friend” is now a verb.) Pretty much everyone I know has their settings on the latter, and that’s especially important for a teenager. In fact, I would recommend that her privacy settings allow only people who are her Facebook friends to message her, and then make sure she understands that she should only friend people she knows in real life. Facebook is for keeping in touch with people you know, not for meeting new people.

Now that that’s sorted, I think we can agree that if she announces this news on Facebook, she really will be telling people who are her friends and family. And yet, I’ll bet you’re still a bit uncomfortable about it, huh? I absolutely believe that you’re supportive of her sexual identity but…well, let me turn your logic around on you for a sec: if it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks, then why not announce it?

Gotcha there, Steve.

When you come out, it’s scary to do so with the people you love the most because you’re emotionally invested in the fallout. But with everyone else – distant cousins, loose acquaintances, and so forth – it’s more of a hassle than nerve-wracking. It’s enormously fulfilling to be out but it’s just so tedious and time-consuming to have to tell every single person in your life. For bisexuals, it’s that much harder because even if we date someone of the same gender, folks tend to figure that we’re homosexual. Bisexuality is never the default assumption, so we’re stuck coming out constantly.

In the olden days, you would tell a couple of gossipy friends and they would mercifully spread the word for you. But the 21st century has come up with a more efficient method: just post the darned thing on Facebook and be done with it. What a relief that your daughter no longer has to canvass door-to-door making sure everyone has heard – she can just hit up Zuckerberg’s electronic town crier. She might not even post an announcement, opting instead to check off “Women” and “Men” under Interested In in the Basic Information section.

What I’m saying is, I think this is going to be more subtle than you’re imagining. Ask her to let you know when and how she announces it on Facebook, and keep an eye on the initial reaction. I suspect her revelation will be received with neither a bang nor a whimper, but the simple, quiet validation of many Likes.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 9, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Is it possible to discern whether you’re bisexual or pansexual? I know that I’m attracted to both traditional genders, but when I think about it truly, if I really loved someone I don’t think that gender would be an obstacle whether s/he was pre/post op, or whatever. I know labels aren’t important and blah blah blah, but I feel like it’s important to who I am.

I just want to be able to identify myself as one or the other. I wish my sexuality could just fit into a neat little box and I could call it what it is. Any guidance?

-Confuzzled

I am watching in horror as you unwittingly wander onto a minefield.

Read this now. No, I’m completely serious: click on the link, read the entire webpage, and when you’re done, read it again for good measure. And that goes for everyone, not just the letter writer. Yes, you. Yes, it’s that important. You’re probably not gonna understand the rest of what I say if you don’t, so go on and get it over with.

The label “bisexual” does not, in any manner, mean “someone who does not have romantic and/or sexual relationships with trans* or genderqueer people.” So, dear Confuzzled, that answers that. Blogger ChristineLeeM characterizes bisexuality as loving people of genders similar to and dissimilar to oneself, while she defines pansexuality as being gender-blind in one’s love. These inoffensive denotations might help you in better defining your personal sexual identity.

As for the larger issue, I’m sure you’re now realizing that this is a Big’ Ol’ Damn Deal in the non-monosexual community. I won’t bother to repeat anything that’s already been said on this vicious, biphobic myth surrounding the “bisexual” label and those who use it. (…although I can’t help but give a shout-out to blogger Even Aud’s recent post on the topic: “Your need for purity, for a Bi-free zone, the need to have a sexuality that you can crap on to make yourself look good, does not concern me.” Heh.) But I will ask you all to join me in pledging the following whenever this topic re-rears it’s particularly ugly head…

We’re not going to do this. We’re not going to turn on each other. We’re not going to let anyone pit us against the trans* community. We’re not getting suckered into making fools of ourselves by putting on a petty, pedantic in-fighting show. And we’re not going to accept anything less than mutual respect and solidarity from ourselves.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 25, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a girl and I love my best friend…a lot. Guess what the problem is? She’s asexual and, therefore, has no interest in men or women. I’ve told her about my gigantic crush on her. She says she doesn’t mind, but I do.

I hate how much I love her (or at least think I do). What should I do?

-Alex

There’s hope yet, Alex. Have a look at this excellent website on asexuality called AVEN: Asexual Visibility & Education Network. It’s a terrific resource in a world where asexuals are extremely misunderstood and ignored. (Note to asexuals: as fellow minorities-within-the-sexual-minority, bisexuals totally feel your pain. Much love to you for sure.)

You’ll see on this site that asexuals do not experience sexual attraction but they can certainly be emotionally and otherwise attracted to people. From the site: “[Some] asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.” Furthermore: “Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.”

Do you know what this means? It means you still have a shot!

Okay, okay, okay, hang on. There are still a bunch of questions to answer. In order:
1.) Is she interested in having an emotional partnership with another person?
2.) Does she consider herself bisexual, lesbian, or straight? (Yes, Virginia, there are bisexual asexuals.)
3.) Are you interested in having a romantic relationship with someone who does not want to have sex? Remember, she might be open to discussing various relationship options, like polyamory.

And if the answers look good thus far, there’s only one more question:
4.) Does she like you that way?

Alex, I feel like you’re the protagonist in a video game who we’re all hoping will win. I’m sure you’d be up for battling villains and performing acrobatic feats but your mission can only be completed through communication, patience, honesty, and vulnerability. (Yeah, I know, you’d rather fight a dragon with fireballs. We’d all rather fight a dragon with fireballs.) Really listen to her describe her feelings and experience. I hope in the end, you two are a match made in the queerest of heavens.

P.S. Be sure to read the Huffington Post’s series on asexuality all this week.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 11, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Strap your helmets on, Wild Deuces, because Tiggy is answering a couple of sports questions on this two-fer Tuesday.

Dear Tiggy,

My 16-year-old boy just told our family that he is bi, which is okay with me. He is currently in a monogamous relationship with a girl, who knows how he feels. None of his other friends know. He plays competitive sports and my husband now tells him that he should no longer shower in the locker room with the guys as he has always done, since it is not fair to the other guys. I think that this betrays a bias my husband – who otherwise seems to support my son – subconsciously holds. What is the protocol for the locker room?

-S.A.

Perhaps you’ve heard the old adage about homophobia? It’s the fear among straight men that gay men will treat them the way they treat women. A little kernel of truth in there, eh?

The protocol for your son in the locker room is the same it ever was. I don’t think your husband has even thought this through. If your son suddenly declines to shower with his teammates, does he honestly think that will go unnoticed? Is he suggesting that your son out himself? It’s pretty clear that he’s not comfortable doing that yet, as he hasn’t.

Has your husband considered that a shower embargo might put your son in danger of being bullied? Or that he’s projecting how he thinks he would have felt as a teenager in a locker room full of girls, and his son doesn’t exactly feel that way? Or that statistically, there’s almost no way his son is the only bi/gay guy in that locker room?

I do applaud your husband for being otherwise supportive. Right now, he’s viewing this from the perspective of the straight teenage guy that he was. I think an ongoing process of gently nudging him to see things from his son’s perspective would be the best plan.

Dear Tiggy,

I just came out to my dance team that I am bi. My coach said she doesn’t believe in bisexuality, that it’s a phase and I need to choose whether I like girls or boys. She tries to tell me that I just date boys because of the pressure, but I respond that that’s not true; I have fallen in love with boys and I am attracted to males. I am also attracted to girls. She doesn’t seem to get that.

I’m very close to her. How do I have her understand more that it is possible to like both sexes?

-Kait

It’s not your place to educate this adult. It is her duty as a coach to nurture your personal development, or at least not disrupt it, and she’s failing in that.

If you’ve shared with your parents that you’re bisexual, you need to tell them about this ongoing debate with your coach. One or both of them should have a conversation with her – the kind where your parents talk and she listens. They have to let her know that they don’t appreciate her trying to inappropriately influence you with her wrongheaded ideas about sexuality. You’re bisexual, it does exist, and no one gives a rat’s rear what Coach Fussybritches believes. And if they (your parents) hear about even one more incidence of this, there will be consequences. Boom, drop the mic.

I’m guessing you don’t want to get your parents involved or hurt your relationship with this coach. The thing is, as close as the two of you are, she can never really be your “friend” the way your peers are. She’s your coach and filling that role comes with certain responsibilities. If your parents don’t know that you’re bi, please explain this situation to your academic advisor, school nurse, older cousin or aunt, or some trusted adult who can straighten her out.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 28, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My name is Jessica and I’m 18 years old. Up until now, I identified as straight and never questioned it. But last year, I started developing feelings for two female friends of mine, so over the past month I’ve begun identifying as bisexual.

My uneasiness is that I’m afraid that it’s just a “phase” and that sometime in the future, I’ll be straight again. I’ve told a few close friends about this and they are all supportive of my feelings, but my mom believes that it’s a phase and that I’m just being a teenager.

My feelings for these girls are different than how I’ve liked guys: not as intense, not quite as sexual, but I still like them more than any of my other female friends. It’s more than just wanting to be their close friend.

If my bisexuality is a phase, I want to stop it and just be straight. I don’t like being in-between, if that makes sense. I don’t feel the same sexual tension around the girl I like than I have around a boy I’ve liked, and sometimes I worry that that means I’m not really bisexual. Any thoughts on the subject would be unbelievably helpful. Thank you.

-Jessica

Let’s unpack the idea of a “phase,” shall we?

If a woman has romantic relationships and sex with only women throughout her adolescence and adulthood until, at age 42, she falls in love with a man and has a monogamous marriage with him for the rest of her life, was her lesbianism just a phase? Or was her attraction to that man just a phase, cut short by her untimely demise at age 94?

If a man has sex with exactly the same number of men as women, dates exactly the same number of men as women, and has equally long relationships with — you guessed it — exactly the same number of men as women, is he in a phase? If so, which part of his behavior is the phase?

What kind of dating involving trans, genderqueer, or intersex people is considered a bisexual phase?

If roughly as many gays and lesbians decide to have relationships with the opposite sex as bisexuals decide to identify as homosexual, why isn’t homosexuality labeled a “phase”?

What is the time limit on a phase? What is the maximum number of relationships in a phase? How many discrete stints of dating a particular gender of person does it take to graduate from a phase?

You’re getting my point, I’m sure. When it comes to bisexuality, the “phase” label is arbitrary, yet never in our favor. It is true that people at certain points in their lives – particularly teenagers – go through developmental stages and experiment with various behaviors and points of view. However, you will not find a shred of scientific research that portrays bisexuality as a developmental phase.

When something as ubiquitous as this theory does not bear out by logic, you know that the answer is emotional. Only a painful history of bisexual oppression explains this ever-present, condescending label. It is a moniker put upon us by others who are not allies. Its intention is to debilitate us as a community, as people. Regrettably, many of us have internalized it.

As to whether you personally are experiencing a phase, my answer is that it doesn’t matter. I apologize for the cliché but life really is about the journey, not the destination. Whether you’ll feel this way in a year, or ten years, or forever, or only until 4:38 p.m. on Thursday is of little consequence. You feel this way now. Your life is now.

Jessica, there is little choice in having these feelings, but you possess all the agency in how you respond to them. Thus far, you’ve shown real honesty and courage. Keep going, you’re doing great.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 14, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve only come out as bisexual to a friend who I live near and see every day, and to some friends I made on a trip, so I’m still not really out. Recently, I had a huge ordeal: I asked a girl I really like to a school dance but I’ve found that I have a crush on another guy. How do I juggle the emotions I feel for my crushes of different genders?

Furthermore, I’m worried for my future. Can someone have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time? How do I choose which gender I want to be with in a serious relationship?

-Frank

Dealing with crushing on different genders is essentially the same as doing so when all of your crushes are the same gender. For now, just enjoy it. Go to the dance with the girl and decide afterward whether you want to pursue something with her, the guy, a new crush, or none of the above. Feelings around love and sex might be a bit overwhelming but it’s really nothing to panic about.

Yes, a person can have more than one boy/girlfriend at the same time, regardless of gender; it’s called “polyamory.” To be perfectly polyamorous instead of a chump-style cheater (or something similarly unhealthy), be sure to follow the four tenets that Loving More proscribes: honesty and clear agreements among partners, mutual goodwill and respect among all involved, intense interpersonal communication, and high ethical standards. That said, it’s often difficult for high schoolers to find others interested in dating non-monogamously. You may have to bide your time until after graduation to find poly-dating peers.

(Hey, as long as we’re on the subject, this would be a good time to make sure you understand the difference between polyamory and bisexuality. Take a minute to check out the second paragraph of my answer here.)

As for your last question, don’t choose a gender to be with; choose a person. The cool thing about bisexuality is that you don’t have to limit your love by gender! Follow your crushes and see where they take you.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 30, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Today, Tiggy brings sage advice to three Wild Deuces with three little words…

Dear Tiggy,

My girlfriend and I are bi. We’re in college and are partners in thesis. Recently, we talk less and it seems like she is avoiding me. When I ask her if she’s okay, if there is a problem, or if her mother already knows about us, she gets irritated and doesn’t answer the question.

Two days ago, she deleted her relationship status with me in Facebook. I did forget our two-month anniversary but I don’t think that’s why. I have a feeling she still loves me since she hasn’t returned the drawing tablet I gave her as a gift. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her.

-Pear Tree

Three words: Talk to her! You’re in a relationship and you deserve the respect of an honest conversation. If she confirms that she wants to break up, it will sting but I suspect you’ll be relieved to at least know where you stand.

 

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while and I’ve decided that I’m bi. I don’t want to come out to my friends and classmates yet because some of my best friends are not fond of the idea, and I don’t want them to treat me differently.

The problem is, I absolutely NEED to tell someone. (I want to tell my aunt because I love her more than anyone.) I don’t know how to do it or what I should even say.

-Abbey

Three words: Tell your aunt. (I can almost feel the weight being lifted off of your shoulders already!) The BRC’s webpage on “Coming Out as Bisexual” in its Youth section gives great information and the video shows some examples of how other kids have done it. There are some excellent accounts in the book Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well, particularly in the second chapter. I think you’ll find that most people either write a letter or blurt it out; in your case, I recommend the latter, but you can practice what you’ll say beforehand. Find a time when you and your aunt are hanging out alone and go for it.

Three tips: 1.) Do tell you aunt what being bisexual means to you. 2.) Don’t tell your aunt that you think “everyone is bisexual.” Speak on behalf of your own feelings. 3.) Your aunt may be wary of keeping this secret from your parents. You can assure her that you’re not in any danger and that you appreciate knowing that you can confide in a trusted adult.


Good luck, Abbey!


 

Dear Tiggy,

I am 23 and realized that I was bisexual/pansexual/queer a couple of years ago, based solely upon analysis of my inner feelings of attraction and interest. While I understand that this is enough to allow me to label myself as I wish, I feel a deep insecurity about this identity. As I have only kissed a few girls but have been in long-term relationships with several guys, the questions of other people make me feel that I need to act upon my feelings in order to validate them.

However, there are a few extra complications getting in the way of my exploration. I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy. Despite our choice of monogamy, he has specifically permitted me to explore my sexuality – not because he considers female-female relationships as less valid, or receives a voyeuristic pleasure from them, but because he wants me to be happy.

I am rather asocial, so the only way that I would meet someone would probably be by going to a gay bar, in which intentions and orientations are clearer than elsewhere. Alas, in such a place, it would be difficult to explain my situation properly, and I think that most potential partners would be turned off by a) my relationship status and b) my lady-sex virginity.

 Also, I am sex positive in theory, but have a lot of insecurities in practice; hence, getting together with a stranger when I have no idea what I’m doing is extremely intimidating.

 Finally, I am extremely nervous about perpetuating stereotypes about bisexuality in the lesbian community by being a woman in a relationship with a man, interested solely in a physical encounter with a woman.

How do I approach this situation? Do I lie/avoid talking about my situation (difficult, because I am honest to a fault and it seems unfair to the other person)? Do I hope that I can stumble upon the rare woman who would be willing to be my guinea pig, so to speak?

-M.

Three words: Find partners online. On OKCupid, for example, you can explain your situation in your profile so people who are not interested in participating can just keep moving. And trust me, you are not nearly the first person on OKCupid in these circumstances.

As for getting together with someone to have sex, no one knows what they’re doing and everyone’s nervous. You know that. If you’re so freaked out that you can’t do it, then you need to come to terms with your insecurity about being bisexual on your own. Regarding the last part, common stereotypes aren’t your problem. You’re not saying every bisexual wants or does this, and you’re allowed to make your own choices. Feminists can be stay-at-home mothers, right? Same thing.

What I think will help you is getting out of your own head and trying to see this experience from your potential sex partner’s point of view. Essentially, it’s the opposite of framing them as a “guinea pig” (and, God, please don’t ever say that again). If you find someone in your exact position, focus on the even exchange – and fun! – of being each other’s “first.” For a lady looking for a quick fling, communicate with her at length about what she likes in bed, dim the lights, and give it the ol’ college try. Taking the spotlight off yourself and getting into the giving spirit should shake off those nerves a bit and provide you with a little direction.

You got this, M. Log in and git down.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 16, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have almost always liked boys up until this point. I felt some interest in girls before, but I thought it was just curiosity, or just normal for any straight girl. But recently I have fallen — hard — for a girl I know.

 The hardest part about this is the fact that I and my family are (non-denominational) Christian. I still believe in God, but I don’t know how to reconcile my possible bisexuality and my faith.

-First Timer in NC

First Timer, I could tell you that the Bible is up to interpretation, and that the church leaders who interpret it are simple humans with their own agendas. I could argue that only Biblical scholars who read the book in its original language can even come close to understanding it. I could explain, as this book does, that queerness as we know it is a modern concept, which is why there is literally no mention of it in the Bible.

But I suspect that you’re not really afraid of going to hell. I think you’re afraid of your Christian family rejecting you.

If you want to prepare to dismantle your family’s arguments against bisexuality, you can read Hate Thy Neighbor by Linda J. Patterson. But be forewarned: perspectives not based in logic are typically not swayed by logic. The good news (well, besides the Good News — heh) is that beliefs borne of emotion are most vulnerable to change from emotion, including your family’s love for you. Only a month ago, Ohio Senator Rob Portman announced that he now supports equal marriage because he discovered that his son is gay. Perhaps your family will decide as he did: “Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all children of God.”

The president of Dignity, a Boston-based support group for LGBT Catholics, recommends The Good Book by Peter J. Gomes for reconciling Christian faith and being queer. He also suggests building a support network for yourself as you come to terms with your sexuality; Metropolitan Community Churches are a good place to start.

I sense that you’re young, perhaps beginning to learn that adults are just people, complete with flaws and irrationality. This realization can be disappointing but I hope it also motivates you to reach a greater level of self-conduct. It’s not as easy as growing up and not hating queer people (although that’s nice). A true departure from a fearful and ignorant mindset is becoming an intellectually curious adult, one who is not afraid to admit that she doesn’t know something, like what God feels about certain issues or what happens after we die. I hope you aspire to be someone who isn’t threatened by the idea that she might be wrong, and won’t feel like the bottom dropped out of her world if it turns out she is. It is, of course, entirely possible to achieve this while following Christianity, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

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