January 7, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a woman dating a guy who I think is bisexual. I would ask if he is but I know he would deny it. I am sure he has had sex with a man but considers himself straight. Is there a way to tell whether he is bi?

I have thought about it and doesn’t bother me if he is. I am willing to continue my relationship with him even if he is bisexual. I have had sex with another woman, so I am an open person.

He and I have been together for three years and although he has given me a ring, we don’t say we love each other very often and we hardly ever kiss with tongue. Moreover, we don’t have intercourse much; when we do, it’s doggie style. He is usually hard but not enough for intercourse, so we often have oral sex and he orgasms easily that way.

Is there some way to sexually explore whether he is bisexual without saying anything and alienating him? Are there sexual acts I can try to see how he reacts?

-Theresa

There’s no way to tell if someone is bisexual other than asking them. The sexual activity you describe doesn’t mean anything about his sexuality, and there are no sexual acts that one likes (or doesn’t), performs (or doesn’t), or receives (or doesn’t) that indicate bisexuality. For better or worse, there is no bisexual birthmark.

I wonder: why are you so eager to know? You already know how he identifies and the genders of some of the people he’s slept with, so you practically have your answer already. It sounds like you think bisexuals have to divide their sexual attraction among the genders, thereby diluting it. That’s not how it works, though; even if he is bisexual, that doesn’t have anything to do with how active your sex life is.

If you’re not satisfied with the way you share physical affection, you need to talk to him about it. I know, it’s hard. You’re afraid of scaring him off and making him feel embarrassed. You’re not sure what to say. Theresa, most of us — bisexual or otherwise — have been faced with the task of communicating about sex and have felt the same way you do. But a long term relationship is worth the effort and you might be amazed at the things you find out. What if he’s been thinking this whole time that you don’t want to kiss with tongue? What if he’s on medication that affects his erections? What if he’s been wanting to try new positions but wasn’t sure if you were up for it?

The next time you finish having sex, dive in. Ask him open-ended questions (i.e. questions that don’t have a simple yes/no answer), then tell him some of the things you think you’d like. If you frame it as a fun, physical adventure, he’s sure to want to be the Lewis to your Clark.
 
If you can’t talk to your boyfriend, at least talk to Rick Stratton. He’s begging you.
 


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 24, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

In the dating scene, I encounter a lot of folks who identify as “genderqueer” and reject the label “bisexual.” But I thought bisexuality and gender identity, though related, are definitely not one and the same. Why do queer folks feel the need to put down bisexuality like it’s The Plague?

-Daniel

You’re correct that they are two very different things. “Genderqueer” is a gender identifier in which a person identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders. “Bisexual” is a sexuality identifier in which a person is attracted to genders similar and dissimilar to their own. I imagine that the daters you’ve run into are unaware that the jury is not still out on whether the word “bisexual” is binary. It isn’t. I addressed the whole issue over the summer; check it out and definitely click on the links. Not sure how your pals missed it but you might want to also let them know that there’s a new Pope, a British royal baby, a civil war in Syria…lemme know if they’ve been living under that rock since before 2013 and I’ll send more updates.

I’d like to focus on your excellent question but in a broader sense: why are we fighting ourselves? It’s strange to me that queers with any sense of minority politics or self-awareness know that putting others down is an ineffective and childish way to legitimize our own identities, and yet we’re still doing it. We know it’s a tool of the majority to turn us against each other, and yet: stiiiill doin’ it. We know that a more powerful faction within our larger group bullied us in the same manner not ten minutes ago, and it wasn’t fair when we were on the wrong end of it, but…YEP, still gon’ do it.

Lately, I look around and think, Why are we telling our allies to shut the hell up? (Pro tip: if you feel like someone needs to hear this message with this level of vitriol, they are not your ally.) If someone is making an effort to understand us, why aren’t we trying harder to meet them where they’re at? Why do we still find it so hard to accept and provide for our people with an intersection of identities? Why are our leaders falling into the same ego-driven power plays, to the detriment of our movement, as so many before them?

Inclusion: this is what we need to strive for in 2014. Let’s lead by example, challenge ourselves to choose compassion over ranting whenever possible, and widen our circle of inclusion to encompass the greatest swath of people who we consider to be “us.” To go full-on Buddha, let’s accept that we are all one inter-being. If we can move even one step closer to this goal by this time next year, that will be 12 months well spent.

And with that, happy holidays, Wild Deuces! See you on the other side. Until then, read this.



© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 10, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I just transferred to a new college and have experienced a huge amount of discrimination by both the straight and the gay communities. As a musical theatre major, I am used to a lot of tolerance. Here, however, I have been told that I must be overly promiscuous, flaky, illegitimate, and a burden to the gay community. I’ve never felt so hurt and alienated.

I am very comfortable with my sexuality and I just want to be able to focus on my career without worrying about labels. I am proud and I want other bisexuals at my university to feel like it is okay to be who they are. Do you have any suggestions for spreading awareness throughout my campus without offending the gay community and becoming a social pariah to the people I support fully? I thought we were all in this together.

-Nell

Nell, ask yourself: “Why would dispelling hurtful myths about my community offend gays?”

Here’s another thing to ponder: why would you fully support those who you think are offended by your very existence?

I’m making two points here. The first is that we need to be ever-vigilant about battling internalized biphobia. By the way you’ve worded your letter, I sense some of that sour thinking is starting to seep into your brain. Stay aware of it and be sure to raze that mess before it hits your heart. We need your spirit to be strong for the challenges ahead!

My second point is something I learned at a (non-physical) self-defense seminar that I took at the Harvey Milk School in San Francisco many years ago: perpetrators are cowards. They seek out victims who will be easy to overpower. Therefore, since everything about my presentation as I walked down the street said, “I’m just trying to get to my destination. I don’t want any trouble,” I was unwittingly making myself the perfect victim to potential aggressors.

I learned that this lesson holds true for any antagonizer. Sending the message “I don’t mean to provoke your ire with who I am” leaves you quite vulnerable to people who have made it clear that they don’t respect you. In a nutshell, you have to know deep down that being bisexual is super cool and let that radiate from your soul. (You can fake it ‘til you make it, though.) Only then will you feel no need to apologize for it.

With that attitude mastered, I’d say it’s time for you to organize. I see that your school doesn’t have an LGBT activity group as one of its intercultural programs. What a fantastic opportunity for you to start one! It can be a conversation group that sometimes does educational projects, too. You’ll get the support you need, give other bisexuals support, and meet lots of lesbians, gays, and trans* folks who are terrific allies to the bi community. You’re going to feel so much better when you find some LGTs who really get you. Trust me, there’s a whole lot of them out there.

Fighting biphobia is tough work and you don’t want to go it alone. We are all in this together — so get together with the other queer peeps at your school and start building that community you envisioned.

Yeah…yeah, you’re RIGHT, Madonna, I’m NOT sorry. And DON’T hang your shit on me. Thank you.

Now get on out there and find your fellow B(ee)s.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a fourth-year, female college student who recently had sex with a woman for the first time a few weeks ago (my first time kissing a girl, too). For the past year-ish, I’ve realized that I’m attracted to women and have been interested in exploring what it’s like to be involved sexually with them. I discovered it’s AMAZING (!) and I’m fond of the girl who I had sex with.

Here’s the catch: I’ve been dating a guy on and off for four years and we got back together about a week ago because we can’t stand being apart. It became emotionally draining and I needed time apart, but we’ve decided to forget about the past and move on. It’s good. I am totally in love with him, he’s crazy about me, and I cannot imagine my life without him (cliche, I know).

But I realized that I don’t really have an interest in having sex with him like I used to. I loved how I felt with the girl I was sleeping with… it’s a totally different experience. It’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to my boyfriend or that I don’t like being intimate with him, it’s just…I don’t think I’m a fan of his man-part being inside me. He’s very loving but it’s just rougher, for lack of a better word, than being with a woman.

So, basically, what does a young woman do who recently discovered how incredible having sex with women is but is also completely in love with a guy?

-Ghirlwind

I don’t doubt that you’re in love with this guy but I suspect it’s star-crossed. Is your relationship both exhilarating and exhausting? Got those high highs and low lows? Do you ever think, “Why does this have to be so complicated all the time?”

Yep. Star-crossed.

Sometimes you can have history, affection, and commitment with someone but you two still can’t get it together as a couple. You keep returning to him because you believe that you belong together, but maybe it isn’t fate; it’s just hope. And if the nature of your relationship has been push-pull for this long, it’s not going to change. You’re on-and-off for a reason.

I’m telling you all this because I think you should break it off with this guy. Give yourself permission to explore this incredible, electrifying new world of women that you’ve discovered without thinking that it means you don’t love this guy. You do love him, you just can’t un-complicate things with him. Sometimes love is like that.

Plus, if you did remain with him instead of dating women, it wouldn’t really work well right now. You don’t want to have P-in-the-V sex with him. As a straight guy, he probably counts little else under attraction and intimacy.

Senior year is a scary time that drives us to cling to the few stable forces left in our lives. But cutting loose from this perpetual knot of a relationship so you can jump into a sexual adventure is going to be way more fun, doncha think? You say you can’t stay away from him, but I bet your new female lovers will find a way to distract you.

Breaking it off with the guy won’t be fun…

…but what comes next will.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 12, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Sending all my love to the Wild Deuces who caught Bilicious Boston on one of the TWO nights we had it this past weekend. Never forget that bisexuals are everywhere!

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend recently came out as bisexual to me. His sexuality doesn’t make any difference to me and I was very supportive of him since he hasn’t told anyone else.

I would like to give him some sound advice on how to tell his parents because his mother is very…I don’t think “homophobic” is the right word, but she’s not as tolerant as he would like and he’s afraid to tell her.

I suggested perhaps mentioning that I myself am bisexual and seeing how she reacted to that news in order to gauge how she feels about it in general. But I would love to be able to help him out more. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’m so glad he felt that he could tell me something so personal.

He’s been feeling depressed lately and I’m afraid that’s why. He can’t be honest with the main people in his life.

Any advice?

-Chloe

I’m sure it kills you to see him so down and you want to do whatever it takes to make him happy again, but I don’t think you appreciate what a lifeline you’re already providing to him. You’re a main person in his life and he can be honest with you. How great is that?!

If you’ve ever been to Bilicious, you know that there’s a question and answer period with the performers at the end. At our last show, an audience member asked about how she might come out to her parents. Michael replied that he came out to his father by slipping it into conversation at a family barbecue. He had mentioned his involvement with the Bisexual Resource Center and his father said, “So, what are you, the token straight guy?” And Michael responded, “No, I’m bisexual, hey, can you pass the ketchup, Mom, is there going to be corn on the cob?” Karin suggested that the audience member put a positive spin on it. She broached the topic with her own mother like so: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationships with people lately and I’ve discovered a really cool new thing about myself. I’m excited about it and I want to share it with you.”

As you can see, there are various ways to come out and each one is very specific to the parental relationship at hand. That’s why I think you should back away from telling your friend how (and when — does he even want to come out right now?) to tell his mother. It might not be emotionally safe for him to do this now, or with her, or before he does something else, etc. Let him navigate his own path.

I do see where you were going with the “Tell her I’m bi” plan, and there is a certain logic to it, but I don’t think it’s going to be effective. Some parents are OK with everyone being bi…except their own kid. Other parents thoughtlessly rattle off bigoted statements until their kid is personally involved, at which point they realize that their love for their child trumps all of that stuff they thought they believed.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Try to support his choices as he goes through this process. Listen to him. If you’re not sure what to say, ask questions about how he feels so you can listen some more. Listening feels like it’s passive but it makes a tremendous difference. And like I told the Golden Girls, thank you for being a friend, Chloe. It gets better for people like him because of friends like you.

 
It’s about time I pulled this one out.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 29, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I came out as a lesbian to my family and friends four years ago when I was 19. I’ve been thinking that I might be bi for the past few years. I am considering telling my close family and friends but I don’t know how to bring it up or what to say.

-39 Specks

I wish someone would fund the research necessary to determine how many bisexuals first identified (or are in the closet) as lesbian or gay. The fact that it’s very likely equal to the number of those who are “bi now, gay later” – oh, so clever! – might actually quash the insulting rumor of the latter’s prevalence once and for all.

Well, a Wild Deuce can dream.

The experience of many people who have been through this is that if your family and friends didn’t care the first time you came out, they won’t care this time either. That said, you might want to wait until there’s something tangible to tell. Specifically, you might hold off until you have a date with a man. (Don’t wait until you’re ready to bring said male home to meet your parents, though.) That’s the kind of thing you can drop into conversation, like so:

Mom: “What are you up to this weekend?”
You: “I have a date on Saturday. We’re going to the movies.”
Mom: “Oh, where did you meet her?”
You: “Actually, it’s a ‘him.’ I’m still interested in dating women but now I’m finding that I’m interested in dating men, too.”

That’s it. Don’t over-explain. Answer questions as simply as you can when they come up. Essentially, there needs to be little fanfare this time around coming out.

With queer friends, you might be able to naturally introduce this fun new fact about yourself into the convo without the male-date prerequisite. If the topic of how one “identifies” comes up, you can offer, “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I might start to identify as bisexual.” But please be warned: most people who go through this say that if someone is going to take this badly, it will be a gay or lesbian friend. That’s why you’ll want to start to develop a support system of fellow bisexuals to assure you that our community is here for you as you discover your sexuality. Now’s a good time to check the BiNet map to see where the nearest bi group is.

And if I might make a final request, please, whatever you do, don’t say you’re confused. In fact, Tiggy is hereby declaring a moratorium on calling your bisexual self or some other bisexual “confused.” It’s in every other letter I receive and I’ve had it up to my pink bangs with that word. Virtually none of you are truly confused, you’ve just been brainwashed by society to make this dig against yourself. This is the very definition of internalized biphobia. The majority is really playing you when they’ve got you slinging mud on yourself.

If you’re engaging in any level of scholarship, processing new information and theories, do you consider yourself “confused”? When you’re traveling and exploring a new country, do you write back home to tell everyone how “confused” you are? As you experiment with personal styles, with hobbies, with recreational drugs, are you “confused”?

OK, then.

Personally, I’m much more inclined to call someone who has never once explored any aspect of their sexuality “complacently ignorant” than to call a questioning or bisexual person “confused.” Please remember: when you classify yourself as confused due to either your sexual fluidity or the act of exploring your sexuality, you’re not just denigrating yourself. You’re smearing an entire, sizable community. So enough with the “confused” already, lovebugs. You’re better than that.

 
In honor of 39 Specks’s second coming out, here’s Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 15, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a closeted, mature, bisexual man (in my 40s) who happened to meet another closeted, mature, bisexual man. We get along well and care for one another. I think I may be falling in love with him, which scares me.

Since we are both new at this, we’re still finding out things about being bisexual. We have been intimate, kissed and held one another passionately, and enjoyed ourselves. We do lots of things together including going out to dinners and movies. When we’re in the car, I will reach out and kiss him sometimes but I’ve noticed that he’s a bit reluctant to kiss back, sometimes even if we’re alone at home. He always kisses me back but he seems a little uncomfortable with it. I asked him and he said “I’m not used to kissing another guy.” I replied, “I’m not either but I enjoy kissing you.”

He says he’s still getting used to this other part of himself. As for his family, he was brought up by a verbally and physically abusive father and barely shakes hands with his brothers when he sees them after a long period. He’s never been married and is in his 40s, and is a conservative religious guy with preconceived ideas about people of different sexual orientations. He says to me, “It feels so right when I’m with you but I’m still uncomfortable about kissing another guy.”

I hate this…why would I fall for an emotionally unavailable guy? Should I just break this up before I get myself in trouble? I think I love him.

-Brook

The poor guy is suffering from a terrible case of internalized biphobia. I believe most queer people have internalized our society’s LGBT antipathy to some degree but this appears to be a tough case with possible aggravating factors including his political, religious, and family influences.

You sound like a caring, sympathetic, all-around sweet person; he’s lucky to have you. I suggest you find either a group for or a therapist who specializes in men addressing sexuality issues. You likely won’t find bi-specific help (which is a bit worrisome because others might try to convince you/him that you’re not really bi but gay) but I actually think it might be more important to find one that suits your ages and perhaps his religion.

I think you should find this therapist or group and go once before bringing it up with him. Explain to him that you’re going because you don’t want to feel conflicted around him anymore and that you just want to be happy. Tell him that you’d feel better if he went with you, but then give him a bit of time to decide whether he will or not. I believe setting it up like this is your best chance of getting him the emotional help he needs.

If he refuses to accompany you at first, go alone. Although this exercise is mostly for him, you could use a little sorting out, too, right? Perhaps you could focus on your reasons for being closeted, or on why you have fallen for someone emotionally unavailable. (The question alone shows your keen introspection. Unfortunately, the answer is so complex that I could never deduce it from just a letter.)

Don’t give up on him yet, Brook. You might love this guy. I think that trying to overcome some of your internalized biphobia together might be a watershed moment for this beautiful relationship.

 
This one goes out to Brook’s guy. Don’t let the haters get into your head.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 1, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m at uni* and only just got into queer culture, so there’s a lot of catching up to do. I was brought up to never treat anyone any way because of their sex and to let people make their own decisions.

My problem is that I always thought that the point was to eliminate gender roles entirely, and yet for a lot of people it’s clearly very important to claim a different one than what was assumed at birth. Additionally, I don’t want any gender role or to be labeled with one.

How can I continue to fight for lack of gender discrimination and roles whilst being respectful of others’ decisions and identities? I’m not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act, it’s just meaningless to me. I’m aware that I’m treading a thin line and would like some advice on how to discuss these notions without being insensitive.

-N

You’re on to the vital notion that when it comes to identity, self-determination is the key. You’ve mastered the act of “not trying to tell others what to call themselves or how to act” but understand that your decisions for yourself — like not “want[ing] a gender role or to be labeled with one” — are just as worthy of respect. Take heart, N: you’re closer to coming to grips with all this than you think.

So let’s separate the idea of gender from gender roles. In my opinion, the latter is something assigned to you by society, an imposing monolith that is neither objective nor even self-aware. Society creates classes and runs its agenda on everyone by assigning each one as “better” or “worse” than another. It eliminates your right to self-determine, and that’s what’s wrong.

Many minority movements have sects who argue their people are no different in literally any manner from those in power. It’s a defensive strategy in response to the majority’s insistence on interpreting minority differences as “worse.” From what I’ve seen, this is a sisyphean approach to social justice. The hegemony will always find methods and reasons to make others seem different in bad way.

Better, I think, to embrace the ways in which your people are culturally different from the norm and know that it’s OK. No, you know what? It’s better than OK: it’s something to celebrate. This is what BUST Magazine, for example, is trying to do with women’s culture.

Roles aside, gender is something intrinsically felt. When I say that I know I’m a woman, it’s not because I like to wear make-up or whatever other behavior society is trying to pin on me. It’s something I feel inside. It’s part of my core essence. If being genderless feels comfortable to you, go with that because it’s your right as an autonomous person. Keep respecting the same right for others, and know that everyone doesn’t need to be the same to deserve to be treated the same.

*Short for “university.” Come on, Americans, keep up.

 
I’m hoping we’ve all moved beyond this.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 17, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 26 and just starting to embrace my bisexuality. The problem is that I don’t look like a lesbian, so it’s hard to find girls who might be interested. I like to dress up and put on makeup when I go out, and I’m attracted to feminine girls. I can’t tell who is gay or bi and they can’t tell that I’m bi. Do I need to wear a hat that says “bisexual” on it? (Kidding.) I’m in a conservative part of North Carolina, which doesn’t help. In summary: how do I meet girls and still act/look like myself?

-Brownie

Oh, yes. Tiggy can relate.

The way I see it, you have four options which are, thankfully, not mutually exclusive:

1.) Online dating. Duh.

2.) Be out. If virtually everyone who knows you knows you’re bi and single, you can get pretty far with dating just friends and acquaintances, not to mention letting your peeps set you up. And hey, dating people you already know is typically the most effective method to meet quality potential partners anyway. Win-win.

3.) Frequent queer spaces. All ladies are fair game for flirting with in queer spaces regardless of where they fall on the butch/femme spectrum. Just being in the room is akin to wearing a “bisexual” hat, minus the questionable fashion therein and the resulting hat head.

Note that there’s no need to limit yourself to bars and clubs if they’re not your scene. Visit MeetUp.com to find some local LGBT groups that host activities you enjoy. Better still, you could start your own. The Boston area has an incredible group called Mad Femme Pride that you might try to emulate. Sure, the queer vibe in North Carolina is different from Massachusetts, but never assume that you’re the only person facing a particular challenge. I bet a whole gaggle of North Carolinan chicks are waiting for someone to start a group like that. Why not you?

4.) Summon your courage to hit on mainstream strangers. That’s right: the Level 10 of queer dating. You might decide to limit yourself to flirting with women who give some sort of sign that they are queer. Likewise, you may start wearing a necklace or bracelet with bi colors in order to throw the girls a flag. When you have someone in your sights, the best thing to do is to wait until she looks at you, then look away like you didn’t want her to know you were looking at her. But as you do, smile to yourself and play with your hair a little. Practice this move at home.

Lucky for you, a femme and (I presume) cisgender woman can generally risk accidentally hitting on straight ladies without physical retribution, even in conservative areas. No, you’re merely subject to potential embarrassment or a bruised ego but that’s the spice of life, amirite? Just keep reminding yourself that you can’t win if you don’t play, and that scads of magnificent women are clamoring to bewitch you if only you’d give them a chance.

 
The existential question of these modern times.

 
She has a point, Olivia.

 
Oh, God, we’re all just Bizarro Chandler, aren’t we?


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 3, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Two letters, one answer, Deuces. Let’s do this.

Dear Tiggy,

Recently my boyfriend told me he wasn’t sure he’s straight. He was really upset when he told me. While he said he is only attracted to women, he added that he gets off on both homosexual and heterosexual porn. As far as I know, this is the only reason he is confused.

Does this mean he is bisexual or still heterosexual? Or is it a latent homosexual tendency? I’m confused and not sure how I feel. He was really scared to tell me because he thought I would break up with him. I still love him so much but can’t help but worry about this.

-Rachel

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 45 year old man and have found over the last several years that more and more of my sexual fantasies, and almost all of the pornography I have been watching, is gay. I spoke to a girlfriend who suggested I explore it, so I had sex with another man. I haven’t been attracted to men as I encounter them, although the fantasies and pornography make me feel I seek a bisexual lifestyle.

Is it possible that I can be excited by the same sex in image and fantasy but really that is where it ends, or should I seek to be more open?

-Tom

Listen: sex is weird.

Sexual feelings and behavior are complex. Odd. Counterintuitive. Hysterical. Stenchy. People who act like they know anything about sex are lying to you and lying to themselves, especially “experts.” Sex is the only field in which you cannot even fully trust scientists.

But this I know for sure: your porn predilections are not the final word on your sexuality. I know lesbians who much prefer gay male porn, gay men who enjoy straight porn, and, yes, straight men who are consistently aroused by gay porn. And trust me, those combos are just the tip of the perverted iceberg. Friends, if you only knew what’s going on below sea-level.

Rachel, first off, there’s no such thing as a “latent homosexual tendency.” That’s some Freud-talk right there, and he was the most sexually f’ed up person the world has ever known. (He gave some poor woman a coke-laced nose job because she masturbated a lot. The hell?) In any case, if that really is the only reason your boyfriend thinks he might be bisexual, then he’s not…but if he was that upset about telling you, I suspect there may be more he’s not saying. I’d sit down with him, tell him that you can’t have a relationship without total honesty, and ask him to tell you everything. That last word leaves it open-ended so he’s more likely to spill on anything he might have been hiding regarding his sexual behavior.

Tom, it’s difficult for me to offer my perspective if I don’t know how you felt about having sex with another man. It would also help to know how hard you had to work to find this guy; that says something about the strength of your motivation to bring this fantasy to life. I do find it interesting that you hauled off and had sex with a dude (for the first time, I assume?) just because your female friend (that’s what you meant by “a girlfriend,” right?) suggested it. What I can tell you is that whether you choose to relegate your enjoyment of men to your mind or explore it more with real people is entirely up to you. Yes, either is possible.

There are a bunch of reasons people watch porn that doesn’t perfectly complement their sexuality. Some people put a premium on hot men, which they find in gay porn much more than in straight porn. Some imagine they are one of the actors/actresses. Some are entranced by what’s happening far more than who’s doing it. And sure, some people are closeted. But porn is only one small piece of anyone’s personal sexual puzzle, so instead of fixating on what this one thing might mean, we should all probably just enjoy it in whatever form we please. That’s what it’s there for.

 
Sex is weird.
 

Talk about it, Heart.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.