March 3, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, March is Bisexual Health Awareness Month! The BRC is focusing on mental health so I hope this column helps to get bisexual brains churning about bisexual brains.

Please send your mental health questions to Tiggy at tiggyupland (at) gmail (dot) com or via Tiggy’s queer query portal so we can work through it together.

Dear Tiggy,

For the past two years, after 25 years of believing myself straight and having heterosexual relationships, I’ve been struggling with realizing, accepting, and living with my bisexuality. I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me insane. I find that no matter whom I talk to socially, I’m constantly worrying and assessing my feeling and intentions towards that person regardless of gender.

I’m not one to sleep around and I would like pursue a long term relationship with someone but I’m in constant fear that if I have a heterosexual relationship in the end I’ll find out I’m actually gay and in denial, and if I have a homosexual relationship I’ll find out I’m straight just with gay fantasies. I don’t want to break someone’s heart over not understanding my orientation or be constantly questioning if I’m with the right person due to their gender. These days, I don’t know what feelings or thoughts are genuine and I seem to be repeatedly anxious. The appeal of a gay or straight relationship alternates day by day, hour by hour.

Again, I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me mad. Do you have any advice?

-Kris

Kris, the beauty of bisexuality is that it gives you space. It provides all the room you need for your dynamic desires. You can like one gender significantly more than others, you can end up never having sex with people of one/most/any of the gender(s), you can have a bunch of relationships with folks of a certain gender and then change it up and have a bunch with peeps of another — doesn’t matter, the bisexual label still fits. It is the ultimate sexuality for anyone who expects the unexpected and doesn’t rule out change.

Ironically, it sounds like bisexuality is making you feel in limbo, which is generally known as an in-between no-man’s-land that prevents you from acting at all. Instead of giving you the freedom to be whatever you are, limbo is characterized by uncertainty and paralysis. It’s the Middle Ages’ definition of purgatory and often seen as a waiting station between your place of origin and your destination.

But bisexuality is a destination. In fact, it is a location where more people drop their suitcases and yell, “I’m home!” than homosexuality. We have a culture and a community all our own, ready to support you in your relationships and assure you that we feel the same way you do. I can tell you with certainty that the paralysis you feel — i.e. your reluctance to have relationships until your sexual identity is completely sorted out — is entirely of your own making. You have the power to embrace your bisexuality and sally forth with romantic and sexual engagements; often the best way out of indecisiveness is to simply commit to an option and advance.

And yet, it is known in psychology circles that being in long-term limbo often leads to anxiety and depression. In some ways, it’s considered as emotionally dangerous as hitting rock bottom. In addition to potentially resulting in anxiety, I believe your limbo might also be caused by anxiety. As much as I can determine from a letter, I don’t think you have Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like some of the folks in this column do, but I suspect that you are experiencing anxiety in the form of perfectionism which is related to obsessive compulsive behaviors. (When you click on that link, be sure to read the comment from the bisexual who obsesses that they’re not bisexual. A kindred spirit!)

Your fear of hurting someone you’re dating due to being wrong about your sexuality indicates a high level of empathy and kindness, but it could also point to a desire for perfect conditions before proceeding. Sure, you might break some eggs in your relationship omelets, but we all assume that risk in love. I sense that your sexuality is simply a convenient hook for your anxiety to hang its hat on. After all, you can realize what you have is not what you want in any relationship.

I got that hat metaphor from Joseph J. Luciani’s book, Self Coaching. That and Feeling Good by David Burns are two fantastic reads on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that I highly recommend for you to address your anxiety and possible perfectionism. Even better than books is working with a therapist who practices CBT. The goal is to change your perspective on being in limbo because, really, it can be quite terrific.

In this moving blog post, Dr. Noelle Stern compares the in-between space of writer’s block to scientific chaos, as it appears to be wild disorder but in actuality is part of a grand plan that relies on that disorder to flourish into something incredible. Such phenomena can only happen in an open system which “maintain[s] a state of non-equilibrium, keeping the system off balance so that it can change and grow.” Kris, if you were to be open to the middle sexualities, well…just think of the possibilities!

Before I leave you, did you know that the limbo — meaning the dance under the stick — originated in Trinidad among African slaves? Supposedly, it represents life’s increasing challenges as the bar gets lower, and the human spirit triumphing over death as a dancer pulls his body beneath the stick. As ever, life goes on, even in limbo.

Developing a passion for the in-between…

How low can you go?

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 17, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I don’t know how to handle this! My husband opened a package sent to my 18-year-old son. The package contained a dildo.

My son knows we accept gay people and I’m sure he would be comfortable telling us if he was. The thing is, he has a girlfriend and seems to just like girls. Anyway, I’m not sure how to handle the package. I wish it had never been opened. I’m sure my son is expecting it and will know one of us has it.

How should we approach this? I feel so horrible because I know he will be embarrassed.

-Scunnered in Australia

All right, calm down, everybody calm DOWN. We’re gonna get through this.

Dang it, Scunnered, I don’t know how they do it in Australia but this is why opening someone else’s mail is a federal offense here in the States. You’ve got yourself a Pandora situation on your hands.

Here’s what, though: a male person using a dildo does not necessarily mean he is gay or bisexual, or that he enjoys receiving anal sex. Anal play in and of itself does not indicate sexual orientation. At all.

When you catch your breath on that one, here’s another revelation: the dildo might not even be for him to insert into his anus. In fact, it might not be for him, period.

Maybe he’s curious to see if he’d enjoy it. Maybe it’s for a joke. Maybe he wants to use it on his girlfriend. Maybe his girlfriend wants it for herself but can’t have it mailed to her house because her parents would open it, OOPS, he has the same kind of parents, OH WELL.

No matter how you deal with it, don’t make any assumptions on your son or his sexual activities based on the fact that a surprise dildo arrived on your doorstep. I’m sure I’m not the first person to impart these words of wisdom, but I’ll bet they’ve been useful every time they’ve been uttered.

Here are some options for you:

  • Wrap it back up, pretend you never opened it, and leave it for your son. How feasible this is depends on how good your poker face is and how badly you destroyed the package when opening it.

  • Leave it with a note that says OR Hand it to your son and say, “Your father accidentally opened this. He says he’s sorry,” and leave the room (or, better, the house). Don’t mention it again. Laugh about it in about 20 years.

  • Sit down with him to a meal at your house and hand him the box, letting him know that your husband didn’t mean to open it. This will give him a chance to give you an excuse, if he feels like it. Then you can say, “It’s fine,” change the subject, and keep eating dinner. Unlike the second option, you won’t be anxious about the next time you see each other.

I’m sorry you feel scunnered. It must be weird having your son’s adulthood and private matters shoved into your face like that. But really, this isn’t a big deal. He’s 18 – ‘round these parts, that’s an adult. One expects that an 18-year-old guy is somewhat acquainted with the idea of sex even if he hasn’t had it yet. No need to die of embarrassment, just soldier on. Power through the awkwardness, Mom, and he’ll take that cue from you.

There was only one time in history when a toy for Master Bates spelled unmitigated disaster, and it was this thing here.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 3, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

1/2/15
Dear Tiggy,

Our son, who just turned 16, had a girlfriend last year for a few months. He was crazy about her, said he felt “dizzy” when they held hands, and was quite sad when she broke it off. He has been lately getting closer and closer with his (male) best friend. They spend a lot of time together, going on long walks and such, all of which did not seem out of the ordinary. The other day, however, they were holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. They stopped abruptly when I entered the room. Later, I peeked around the corner and they were doing it again.

He has been acting more secretive lately. My wife and I keep trying to gently give him opportunities to talk to us about it but he has not yet shared anything. We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready. I have said non-specific supportive things to him lately, like that he can always talk to us about anything and asking him if there’s anything on his mind. He seems uncomfortable so I don’t push further than that. But we want to educate ourselves and be ready in case he springs it on us.

We know a lot about gay feelings (and are very comfortable with all of it) from our long experience with our many gay friends, but we do not have any bisexual friends and we feel like we know very little about what that is like, particularly for a teen. I have no idea if he even can categorize himself at this young age, nor do I want him to feel pressured to label himself. I suppose he probably falls into the “questioning” area right now, but still, we want to be able to talk to him about it whenever he feels ready. Also, we don’t know his friend’s parents very well and we don’t know if they know about this relationship; I think it is unlikely. We feel, just as we would if he were getting close and affectionate with a girl, that we don’t want him dating someone in secret.

My question, then, is this: is there anything we should know about the process of coming out as bisexual, compared with coming out as gay? Unlike other parents of gay kids who say they “knew for years” because of their child’s behavior, my son has never exhibited any outward signs of being gay, nor has he ever said or done anything that would have tipped us off. That said, he also is not nearly as girl-crazy as I was at 16. No Victoria’s Secret catalogs under the bed, but no International Male either. I am just scared of saying the wrong thing when he does decide to share with me, I want him to feel loved and happy, but at the same time he is so young and I remember how confusing everything is at this age. I know teenagers experiment sometimes but what constitutes experimenting and at what point has he crossed over into identity? I don’t want to belittle his feelings by suggesting that this is “just a phase”…but might it be?

Anyway, this is a long essay — sorry — but I am really experiencing a lot of confusing feelings myself right now, and any advice would be appreciated.

-Michael

1/3/2015
Dear Tiggy,

I just read the “For Parents” essay on the BRC website; I don’t know how I missed it the first time. It answered most of the questions I asked you! I am so sorry I didn’t check that first. If you know Robert Barton, please tell him THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Very helpful and informative. I still have one thing, though, that I could use advice on, so I will rephrase the question:

I wouldn’t feel right outing the other kid to his family if he is not ready, but I also don’t feel that I should allow my son to be dating this boy and doing anything physical with their son — even kissing and holding hands — if they don’t know about it. Any advice on how I should approach this?

If the other boy (also 16) is not ready or willing to tell his parents then I feel I should I tell my son he has to put the brakes on this thing until his friend has spoken to them. Once he has done that, and then in turn they have had a discussion with me and my wife, then I think we can figure out where we all are, but at least there will be no secrets.

If I tell my son that this is the way it has to be, I’m afraid it will be like I’m “forbidding” my son from seeing someone he cares about, but it seems to me that there are issues here that would apply to any parents, no matter what their kid’s sexual identity is. I would want the same thing if my son were involved with a girl, so it seems like it’s no different, but I think maybe it is different because of the issue of outing.

-Michael

Firstly, you and your wife are doing really well in handling this in a loving and supportive manner. Keep up the absolutely excellent work. It’s a relief to the entire bisexual community that people like you exist.

It’s good to get into the habit of treating an LGBT relationship the same way you’d treat a hetero one; it speaks to your sense of fairness. Here’s the thing, though: a romantic relationship your teenage son is having with another boy is different in a couple of ways than one with a girl. It needs to be treated as such mostly for reasons surrounding safety because society rejects same-sex relationships.

If you don’t know the other boy’s parents, then you don’t know whether outing him would endanger his physical or emotional safety. Please acknowledge that he could end up beaten, homeless, humiliated, and so forth, and that those consequences are not unlikely. I know someone from one of the most liberal areas of the U.S. who, when her parents discovered that she was in a same-sex relationship, was sent to exorcists. You do not have the right to put someone in that position, particularly a child, simply to enforce a personal tenet of transparency in relationships.

Even if the response from his family (and friends, and school…these things have a way of getting around) isn’t that bad, outing someone is a terrible thing to do. It robs a person of privacy and control over their own identity.

If your son were dating a girl and hiding the relationship, it would probably be because one of them was cheating, ashamed of the other, or had parents who did not approve. It makes sense that you would not support anything like that. But in not announcing a same-sex relationship, your son is trying to protect himself from bullying while figuring out his feelings without undue pressure. These seem to me like fine reasons to keep a relationship under wraps.

Attentive parents tend to want to know who their child is dating because they are interested in their kid’s life and have a responsibility to guide their son/daughter. But let’s be real here: a major reason that a parent might want to restrain their teenager’s romantic relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. That’s not an issue here.

You say: “We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready” (italics mine). These are excellent instincts. Know that that necessarily means not forcing his hand by insisting that he be out on your terms. I sense that you’re uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over all this…imagine how your son feels. I think you should continue offering general support but otherwise give your son some space to sort out his feelings. Know that he must feel so much safer to understand through your gestures that you have his back. And he gets that, trust me. Dads are never as subtle as they think!

By the way, it’s perfectly fine for you to kindly insist — without providing a reason — that he leave the door open when hanging out with this guy. You’re still his parent and it’s still your house. I doubt he’ll ask why this rule suddenly cropped up.

Note to Michael’s kid: They’re onto you, buddy!

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 20, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Hi, my name is Lana. I’m 23 and from Italy.

Since I was young, I’ve felt that my romantic and sexual orientation didn’t match. I fall in love with guys but I feel same-sex sexual attraction. Is this possible?

-Lana

Yes, it’s possible to have a romantic orientation that differs from your sexual orientation. I think we can credit the asexual community for introducing the general public to the idea of romantic attraction as separate from sexual attraction. (Incidentally, just as there are asexuals, there are also aromantics.) AVEN — The Asexual Visibility & Education Network — is a fantastic resource for learning more about this, even if it doesn’t necessarily relate to asexuality itself. Take a gander at the General FAQs for an education on attraction.

Allow me to offer a mere two examples of your many kindred spirits with this discussion and this discussion on the “Empty Closets” chat forums for coming out. That’s right, there are posts from other real, live heteroromantic homosexuals! You’ll see that some eventually choose to identify with a label that’s a bit more simplified. Others found that their attraction developed into something more specific over time. Still more figured out that they were demisexual and could experience sexual attraction once they had an emotional bond with a specific person. This introduced (limited) sexual opportunities with people of genders they originally thought they only enjoyed romantically.

Speaking of asexuals, you might consider getting to know their community, perhaps by participating in the AVEN Italian discussion boards. As a heteroromantic homosexual woman, you could find a terrific romantic relationship with an asexual man who is not bothered if you occasionally have sex with women. (And aces are just cool people to know anyway.) But that’s just one of many choices you have in potential fulfilling relationships. Remember, just because your romantic and sexual orientations don’t match doesn’t mean you can’t find a match.

Tim Gunn, my favorite homoromantic asexual, assures us that the need for everything to match is totally passe.

Please be aware that when I tell you that you can play with a variety of matches, I mean in your relationships. Also, under no circumstances should Axe Body Spray play any role in attempting anything sexual or romantic.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 6, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I started questioning my sexual orientation when I was 15 years old. When I came out to my mom as a bisexual, she said it was just a phase. Since I had a serious boyfriend at that time, I sort of forgot about my bisexuality and didn’t think about it for years, until now at age 20. I noticed that I was pushing women (my own gender) out of my life and it got me wondering whether I was doing so because I like them and that scares me.

I decided to go to the local LGBT Center — thank God we have one in my small city (Kherson, Ukraine). I met lots of lesbian girls and a few days ago, they asked me to hang out and play guitar with them. It was fun and I even met a girl who I liked. It seemed like she liked me too, so I asked her to share a cab home with me. I think she knew that I wanted the chance to be alone with her. As the evening wore on, we were already sitting closer to each other and holding hands. We ended the night at a gay club which was so liberating! I kissed her a lot and we danced slowly…it felt great.

But the next day when we went for a walk, it was very different. I had all of these thoughts in my mind, imagining myself hugging and kissing her, but I couldn’t make a move at all. She wasn’t proactive either, probably because she knows that I am not sure of myself and didn’t want to push me.

Is it possible that I was just drunk that night at the club, and that’s what caused my behavior? Or maybe I am so afraid of my feelings that I freeze up any time I think about touching her? I am still attracted to guys, in some ways a lot more than towards her or other girls. Also, she and I are pretty different and don’t have things to talk about, which makes it difficult for me to spend time with her.

I haven’t really had women in my life for a long time and I feel uncomfortable around them. Since I started questioning my sexual orientation again, I can’t ignore women when I’m in public. I like to smell their perfume, to watch their figures, their faces…we have a lot of beautiful and sexy women in our city!

Basically I thought that going to LGBT community center, spending time with the people there, and trying gay relationships would help me. I’ve always had these thoughts in my mind about girls but when it comes to reality, I can’t do it. I am nervous and I want to forget about it and just be as I was. Being with guys is so much easier for me; I know for sure when I am attracted to a guy or not. With women, it’s different: sometimes I see a girl and I know for sure that I like her, sometimes I don’t.

I can’t take it anymore…it’s exhausting. I want to know the truth and to be real with myself and then just live a normal life. Thank you!

-Lera

“Is it possible that I was just drunk that night at the club, and that’s what caused my behavior?” It’s pretty unlikely. Alcohol doesn’t make you do things that are totally out of character so much as it lowers your inhibitions and calms your anxieties. And being tipsy that night wouldn’t explain starting to question your sexuality five years prior, nor could it have prompted you to go to the LGBT Center in the first place.

“Or maybe I am so afraid of my feelings that I freeze up any time I think about touching her?” OK, I think you’re on to something with this theory.

I believe that you want to get out of this “questioning” period but I also think that as you begin to get closer to identifying as not-straight, your subconscious panics and thrusts you back into questioning. “Are you sure we’re not 100% straight?” your subconscious pleads. “Because I really want us to be heterosexual. It seems a lot easier.”

I suspect that you’re dealing with internalized homophobia. That’s when you take all of the anti-LGBT messages that society — school, church, the media, etc. — has pounded into your head for your entire life and you believe them. Your rational mind might hear some positive things about queer folks but your emotions make the final call that LGBT people are monsters, and that includes yourself. The daily bombardment of gay-hating is something that nearly all homo/bisexuals face and it’s a rare person who doesn’t bow under its weight.

Experts say that internalized homophobia is like Stockholm Syndrome. Named after the city where a bank robbery took place in the 1970s, this syndrome describes the mindset that drove the robbery hostages to defend, identify with, and admire their captors. A year later, America witnessed its most well-known incident of Stockholm Syndrome with millionaire heiress Patty Hearst. After being kidnapped for two months by the Symbionese Liberation Army, Hearst joined them in their next robbery, completely brainwashed to loyally support the very people who captured her. With internalized homophobia, you begin to agree with society that being queer is wrong.

Both Stockholm Syndrome and internalized homophobia are types of self-preservation. When you’re imprisoned, you try to obey your captors so that they will not kill you. You convince yourself that certain things the captor has done are acts of friendship and actually begin to bond with them. Likewise, if you grow up hearing from all sides that non-straight feelings and behavior are only for bad people, you try as hard as you can not to be “bad.” You still want your family, friends, teachers, and neighbors to like you even if they’re homophobic. You push away any queer socializing, reasoning that your loved ones are trying to help you with their anti-LGBT attitudes. In the worst cases of internalized homophobia, people appear to dissociate, as America has seen all too often with conservative male politicians passing severely anti-gay policies while secretly having sex with other men.

Really, it’s all incredibly sad.

But here’s the good news: if what you’re dealing with is, in fact, internalized homophobia, it’s a very manageable case of it. I want you to give yourself a major pat on the back for recognizing that you might be avoiding women due to fear of underlying feelings for them. That was some excellent insight. But you didn’t stop there; you plucked up your courage and went to the LGBT Center. Good for you! And then you partied with a girl you liked! Lera, you’re doing a fantastic job in finding out who you are and what you like.

Your plan to spend time with people at the LGBT Center and try same-sex relationships was totally smart. Keep going to the center and hanging out with new friends. If you’re not ready to kiss other women yet, that’s OK. Please don’t feel like you have to rush into anything. It sounds like this one isn’t the girl for you but maybe you’ll want to kiss someone you have more in common with. As for figuring out how you really feel, see if there’s a Coming Out group at the center. You might also ask the staff if they can recommend a therapist who will help you with coming out. The therapist does not need to be bisexual but they do need to be bi-friendly.

Lera, you’ve learned that the internal struggle between finding out your authentic sexuality and fighting internalized homophobia is exhausting. I wish I could release you from your anxiety with a snap of my fingers but it took years for that sexual Stockholm Syndrome to take root so I’m afraid it’ll take a while to dig it all out. You’re doing all the right things, though, and making new friends while you’re at it. Keep going and I predict that you’ll feel much more stable as you work through this with others who are doing the same.

The ‘phobes are trying to turn you against yourself! Don’t internalize that water!

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 23, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

How do I block out all of the negativity thrown towards the LGBT community everywhere? Family and friends aren’t supportive — they don’t know that I am bisexual — and everything they say affects me negatively.

I want to know if you have any tips to block it out because it brings me down and breaks my heart.

-Riad

You need expression, connection, and protection. We all do. This is where art comes in.

Two years ago, queer Afro-feminist blogger Spectra Speaks (the one from this column) posted a suggestion on relating to family members over the holidays not with queer theory rhetoric and social justice jargon but with movies. Her point was that storytelling, in all of its forms, breeds empathy better than a high-minded lecture. It’s not only a terrific proposal for dealing with vexing kin but I believe it’s also a great method of self-love.

Read bi and queer blogs regularly. Delve into LGBT novels (don’t miss the “classics” like Ann Herendeen’s Jane Austen-esque series), poetry (June Jordan pretty much invented bi verse), and memoirs (how about Clive Davis’s The Soundtrack of My Life?). This column will get you started on all of the online and paper bi magazines and newsletters out there.

Watch queer movies. I happen to adore Saving Face, But I’m A Cheerleader, and Show Me Love (A.K.A. F***ing Amal) but there are so many more out there to choose from. Listen to bi-positive music. When someone is saying something biphobic, put your headphones on and blast “Born This Way” by our girl, Gaga. You can stick to famous bi artists like Frank Ocean and Azalea Banks or you can look for more obscure stuff by Googling “queer music” and finding endless lists and sites.

Give yourself a broad definition of the word “art” and keep looking. Try documentaries, stand-up comedy, comic books, subversive embroidery – the works. Challenge yourself to find queer form in genres that you wouldn’t expect, like rap or horror movies. If you don’t have internet access (or privacy) at home, you might find this stuff at your public library.

Immersing yourself in pro-queer art is both a short and long term strategy. The best defense against internalizing biphobia is a good offense of LGBT-positive messages tie-dyed in uber-beauty. The world throws a hundred biphobic messages at you every day? Then you dunk into a tub with 101 droplets of bifabulous vibes — and there’s no better way to bathe than art. It will build you up over time, but it’s also good for some on-the-spot self-care right after someone delivers you a biphobic blow. Use it to decorate your Happy Place.

In addition to breathing it all in, you gotta exhale, too. Translate your own feelings into paintings and prose. This is where connection comes into play, since it’s exponentially more fulfilling to actually share your feelings with other real humans. Coming out allows for you to remind someone — and have them remind you — that being bi is the coolest, even when everyone else is telling you otherwise. If that’s not possible for you right now, maybe you can come out to people online. Then when you play Bigot Bingo at your next family gathering, you can log in and laugh with someone about your “win.”

Finally, find a way to block out at least some of the bad noise. You’re often alerted by headlines alone whether news is going to be hateful garbage with no value. In those cases, do not click. Do not open the door of your brain to trolls. Please know that there’s a difference between sticking your head in the sand about the troubles plaguing the world and refusing to be bombarded with mean and unfounded commentary on your community.

Likewise, commit to spending less time with people who always have unkind remarks about queer folks. You deserve to protect yourself from hurtful comments about your sexual identity. Once again, being out makes this easier because more people around you will implicitly be warned that you reject such views.

Expression, connection, and protection are the trinity of self-care, Riad. Infuse these elements into your life and I promise it will develop into a shield against a harsh environment.

Bob Ross and his happy trees will never steer you wrong.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 9, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Much love to all of the Wild Deuces who came out for Bilicious this past weekend! Dare I say that your love for our performers was out of this world?

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 21 year old male bisexual. I’m also diagnosed on the Autistic spectrum (Asperger’s type). Sounds like the set up to a cheesy life affirming movie, right?

I’ve experienced a lot of stress and anxiety as a result. The absolute low-point was about two years ago. Since then I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m still hurting a lot from loneliness.

The practical reality of my love life is like a mirror image of the bi stereotype: I’ve never even kissed someone else on the lips. Even regular social interaction for me is like navigating a minefield, but I can still do it successfully and make friends. Yet when it comes to forming romantic relationships, it’s like having the whole ground pulled out from under me, leaving me floating alone in space.

My friends give me advice like “be yourself” but I am myself all the time, that’s the problem! Being myself is being a person who doesn’t know how to navigate romantic relationships. My automatic preference when it comes to expressing interest in someone would be to say something like: “Greetings, fellow humanoid lifeform. I am a biological male of bisexual proclivities who has ascertained that you are the type of person I would be interested in pursuing affectionate relations containing the possibility of intercourse with. Please respond in the affirmative if you reciprocate my interest and would like to pursue relations with me, or otherwise if this proposal is not to your liking.” But apparently that’s weird and I’m supposed to do this thing called “flirting” instead!

I am fed stereotypes about gay men being easier to read, but I have scant opportunity to confirm that. While socialising and loud music aren’t so bad on their own, the combination of the two is like kryptonite, making gay bars pretty much inaccessible to me.

I do have my fair share of kinks and fantasies about threesomes and group sex, but I realise and am OK with the fact that from my present situation I’ll never be Lord Byron. I’d be over the moon if I could get to the point of carrying on a loving monogamous relationship with someone caring and sexually open.

My question is about how in the short term I can cope with the emotional turmoil of loneliness, and if in the long term I have any hope of being able to navigate the world of love and dating with the combination of my sexuality and developmental disorder.

-James

Three things, right off the bat:

1.) The emotional turmoil of loneliness describes the human condition, so if you’re still breathing and putting one foot in front of the other, you’re coping about as well as the rest of us.

2.) There is no reason that you cannot navigate the world of love and dating, as many Aspie bisexuals have before you.

3.) I’m so glad you trust me with your question. In turn, know that I would never, ever give you such self-evident yet wholly unhelpful dating advice as “be yourself.” Oof, it hurts just to type it.

Here’s a neat fact that works in your favor, dating-wise: there’s a correlation between bisexuality and Asperger’s. OK, I admit, I don’t have any scientific studies to support this claim but I have a whole wheelbarrow full of anecdotal evidence. I know that my bi friends and I have pondered why the bisexual community seems to have more than its fair share of Aspies; come to find out, many in the neuro-atypical community believe that they have a statistically significant number of bisexuals! Some suppose that because Aspies are not limited by social norms, they are more open to acknowledging and exploring same-sex feelings rather than confining their romantic/sexual relationships to the opposite sex.

Whatever the reason, you have a substantial pool of people who will understand your bisexuality and your Asperger’s because if they share one of those characteristics, they might share the other — or at least have friends who do. I suggest you find a bi group in your area and start socializing with the folks there. I’m not sure where you’re from but if it’s the UK, check out these links to local bi groups on the utterly fabulous Bi Community News website. I also encourage you to attend bi conferences because, sure, they’re educational and edifying and blah blah whatever, but the point is: you can meet a lot of likeminded souls at those things, perhaps for friendship, perhaps for sexyfuntimes. And I assure you, bi conferences boast a plenitude of Aspies. (Again, that’s just from personal observations but I challenge anyone to prove me wrong on that front.) (No one’s going to take that challenge, I’m so correct right now.)

Forget the bars; they’re not your scene. I’ve seen Asperger’s described as a state that “impairs your ability to comprehend nonverbal communication.” With the requisite blaring music found in any club or bar, you’re automatically called upon to communicate in the way that you are least able. How’s that workin’ for ya? If I were you, I’d give online dating a whirl. The communication is all verbal there – at least in the beginning – so the interaction playing field is evened out for you. Plus, you can be totally up front about being Aspie in your profile so potential partners who are familiar with the syndrome will know how to better engage with you.

For the record, I read that description a year ago in a short article written by Aspie author Matthew Rosa entitled “Dating with Asperger’s.” It was originally written for PolicyMic but I think you’ll find two comments on the Salon.com reprint especially helpful: Heather Twist, an Aspie and wife of an Aspie, and Crimson Wife, mom of an Aspie, give two solid lists of tips for dating with Asperger’s.

Say, did you know that there’s an incredibly popular bi guy blogger who has Asperger’s? What are the chances?! (Pretty good, actually. See above.) Patrick RichardsFink, board member for BiNet USA, shares his thoughts with the world in his fresh blog, Eponymous Fliponymous, that you simply must follow without haste. I noticed that you consider your autism a disorder; I think you’ll find Patrick’s frequent defense of Asperger’s as beneficial particularly uplifting. Here’s what he says to you:

“Part of life as an Aspie is that our strengths are framed as deficits. Now, anything I can say about being an Aspie is going to have exceptions, so take what applies to you. We tend to take people at face value and expect that others will do the same (which is what makes some of the interpersonal games others seem to accept without question seem utterly weird). We tend to tell the truth, even when others might find that less than polite.

“Who wouldn’t want to date someone who tells them the truth and accepts them for who they are?

“As bisexuals, our lives are rarely the stereotype of ‘never a lonely minute.’ So how to manage your loneliness in the short term? Do what makes you happy, and if there are other people who think that’s awesome, they’ll find you.”

Thanks, Patrick! James, let me leave with you with a book recommendation: Getting a Life with Asperger’s by Jesse A. Saperstein who, like Patrick, believes that “success with autism or any kind of challenge comes from knowing you have incredible things to offer.” And two out of two writers can’t be wrong when it comes to bisexuals.

Adorkable guys are very in right now.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 25, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

As an older bisexual woman (42) married to a man for ten years, what questions should I expect from my family when I come out to them? I have come out to several LGBTQ and straight friends and coworkers, but not to my family.

Thanks,

M

I assume when you say “family,” you don’t mean your husband because you’ve already come out to him. You didn’t mention whether you have children and, if so, what their ages are. Coming out to your kids, especially those who are still young enough to live with you, is very different from coming out to your parents or extended relatives. Luckily, people close to you tend to generally have the same questions. They probably won’t phrase them exactly like this so you’ll have to sleuth out which of these four questions they’re really getting at:

What does “bisexual” mean to you?
This is another way of asking, “What exactly are you telling me?” The beauty of a sexuality label is that it sums up a chunk of your identity in a nice, clean package. The irony that you discover once you choose the appropriate label is that you have to explain it anyway.

But it’s a gift when someone gives you a chance to customize your label! The alternative is typically to let them try to understand it through stereotypes and hearsay, which…yikes, that’s never good.

Get clear with yourself what you mean by “bisexual” so you can rattle it off with confidence once you come out. Feel free to steal — and amend to your personal taste — Robyn Ochs’s definition.

What did you know and when did you know it?
Let me be blunt: with this inquiry, folks are wondering whether you were lying to them or to yourself at some point. You can stay rather vague on this by gently informing them that coming out to oneself is a process and you’ve told them about this new self-discovery as soon as it was appropriate.

How will your behavior change?
Will you be bringing new people to family gatherings? Will you be more political with the LGBT community? Will this be common knowledge around town or will I have to keep this information under my hat in front of certain people? Answering this will manage expectations.

How will this affect me?
This is the bottom line question for everyone. Since you already have a primary partner, I suspect that your news won’t have much of a practical effect on your family. However, they’ll probably need a little time to adjust to your new reality and be able to talk about it comfortably. Meanwhile, if someone is mining for answers but your bisexuality doesn’t really affect them at all, I suggest that you cut the conversation short. You are under no obligation to satisfy anyone’s curiosity.

And now that you know more or less what inquiries you can expect when you make this fabulous family announcement, all that’s left to decide is how you’ll tell them. Perhaps this Thursday, you’ll reach past a Pilgrim and over a horn aplenty to grab the nearest good-luck-gourd, leap to your feet, and proclaim that you are ever so thankful to be an out and proud bisexual.

A question for the 42-year-olds out there: what the hell does this song mean? Will the rest of us find out when we turn 42? Or when we consciously uncouple from someone?

If you’re 42, this was probably your Thanksgiving jam at some point.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 11, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.

Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.

She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.

It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?

-Max

The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.

Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?

When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.

Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?

Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.

Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)

And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 28, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a young woman (24) who just ended a six-year, long-distance, monogamous relationship. I live in a country in Africa and he lives in Europe. My “bi-curiosity” is just one of many important factors which caused me to do it.

Now I am super excited to finally put some of my women fantasies into practice. Before we broke up, I summoned all my courage and went alone one night to a lesbian bar. I chatted to some women, and had a fabulous time dancing. I never planned to cheat on my partner and I didn’t even come close to doing that, but I was so excited and relieved to finally just BE in a space around other bisexual and lesbian women.

However, it also posed a problem: now that I am available to see women, I don’t know how to go about it! I have no bi or lesbian friends, and none of my other close friends (except one, who I hardly ever see) or family even know that I identify as bisexual. I don’t see going alone again as an option; I feel like I need the support of friends around me to help me discover how to hit on a girl I like. But I don’t feel comfortable asking my straight friends to come with me when I myself am so new to and vulnerable in this aspect of myself.

I very recently moved from the liberal and fairly queer-friendly city to the remote countryside where I grew up to start a job here. I want to work and live here, but I am torn about having this newfound freedom to discover my bisexuality and yet having to live with my family around — even sharing a house with a family member — and in a very small and conservative community. I feel like my first forays into practical bisexuality are going to take a lot of courage from me, and attempting it here seems daunting and dangerous. So I’m wondering, should I postpone or reject the job? I haven’t signed anything yet and it is a family business so it should be fairly flexible about possibly taking me on at a later stage instead.

To make things all the more complicated, my ex-partner has suggested that we have an open relationship. He is desperate not to lose me and still loves me dearly. At the first mention of this, I emailed him to share my excitement. I thought it would be a way for us to stay in each other’s lives, keep in contact as the best friends we are, and occasionally visit each other for a lovers holiday. He responded with anger and hurt, saying he couldn’t believe after that after our years together, I would say I was excited to be in an open relationship. He called me selfish and stupid which immediately made me feel depressed and trapped again, and of course not wanting to have any relationship with him. He later emailed back apologising for his outburst, blaming it on his feelings of pain at the situation, which I totally understood, and asking again if we could have an open relationship instead of him losing me. Now I’m not so sure any more.

I am bursting with excitement at getting some “rad advice from an excellent bisexual”!

-Finally Free

To think that an enthusiastic fan across the world is breathlessly awaiting my words of wisdom on how to be a happy bisexual thrills me to my tingling toes! I wish all new bi babes could have your buoyant outlook and a confidence fueled by pure potential energy. Would that I could sail to Libreville tonight and trip the lights fantastic with you in celebrating your exuberance to be yourself!

On the issue of your ex-boyfriend, I think you know what you have to do. He is terribly sad that your relationship has come to an end but the kindest thing to do is not give him hope that you can stay together in any fashion. He has demonstrated that he is not in a proper emotional position for an open relationship. You are “Finally Free” — being available for new love is the core of that. Make a clean break of it with him.

Although it’s great that you have a job and family waiting for you in the country, my first impulse is to tell you to pass it up in favor of queer fun times in the city. It’s easier to find and congregate openly with other bisexual/gay women in an urban area. However, I want to be careful not to denigrate or underestimate the rich and rewarding lives of LGBT people in rural areas. Often, the queer community acts like living in the country is wholly untenable but I think that does a real disservice to our sisters and brothers who have crafted fulfilling communities in somewhat unlikely places. Look at this oral history project, Country Queers, to see just a handful of beautiful, refreshing, true stories of rural-living LGBT folks.

In a 2010 interview, Mary L. Gray, author of Out in the Country: Youth, Media, and Queer Visibility in Rural America, cuts to the difference as follows: “When rural young people identify themselves as queer, they…upend and potentially undo the most important identity they have in their communities: a familiar son or daughter, a local from that town. When Rural America seems to reject queer folks, whether with its voting record or in sound bites from its townspeople, we are witnessing a much deeper tussle over who rural community members feel they can trust and who they feel they can turn to in times of trouble…” Perhaps rural Africans put a high value on familiarity as well but since you grew up there, you certainly have a leg up in that regard.

All that said, I still think you should take this time in your young life to experience being bi in the city. I predict you’ll deeply enjoy the liberty of exploring your identity and meeting many likeminded souls out from under the watchful eye of lifelong elders. You can always return to the country later when you’re beyond the wild oat-sowing that urban life tends to facilitate. By then, you’ll likely have more confidence in your sexual identity as well as the manner in which you want to be out around your family.

Most of my readership is not from Africa so allow me a moment to enlighten them: the continent of Africa is made up of 54 countries and it’s way bigger than you think. I point this out, Finally Free, because it’s hard for me to advise you when I don’t know which specific area you’re from. Americans, it would be like someone wanting to know how to bisexual,* if you will, without revealing whether they are from Massachusetts or Kentucky…only more so. The laws, culture, and resources vary signNIFicantly.

So for a more informed view on African life, let’s turn to award-winning Nigerian writer and afrofeminist social commentator Spectra Speaks. Her eponymous blog, www.spectraspeaks.com, is a digital media platform shifting conversations from the political to the personal through the lens of love, empathy, and media. She is the founder and executive editor of Queer Women of Color Media Wire (QWOC), a media advocacy organization that amplifies the voices of queer-identified diaspora around the world. Before we get into what her specific advice is for you, I want to mention a few things about Spectra: 1.) the Bisexual Resource Center gave QWOC a “Bi Ally Award”; 2.) Spectra’s mantra is “Love is my revolution”; and 3.) she wrote this two weeks ago, which tells you why #1 happened, shows how she lives #2, and will restore your faith in the world as a bisexual. Please read it, it’s a revelation of unadulterated compassion.

(Did you read it? Wasn’t it even better than I said?) Here’s what she says about you, Finally Free:

“First, ask for the African country she’s in so you can connect her to resources. It may seem intimidating at first, but it’s one way of meeting friends.

“Second, she should think through the following questions carefully: does she have any friends that she’s really close to who she may consider sharing about her new interest in women? Are these friends that can keep a secret? I’d encourage her to share that she’s interested and perhaps liken it to puberty happening all over again except without any examples of how to ask a girl out! Even if the friend doesn’t come along to the club they can at least be her research partner and someone to talk to as she develops more queer/bi community.

“She should also start following LGBT African bloggers** (ahem!) as meeting others online can be such a relief, affirming, and again a kind of support until she meets others. I’d finally encourage her to focus first on developing friendships. [Regardless of your sexuality, dating] is awkward, challenging, fun, and confusing all at once. It’s so much better with friends.”

I can’t put it any better than that. When Spectra refers to resources, she means queer social groups, support groups, and volunteer opportunities. They’re perfect places to get to know fellow LBT women and say, “Hey, I want to go to a club tonight. Will you be my wing chick?”

I could go on (and on…and on…) but let’s punctuate this column on “wing (chick).” It’s an apt segue to your starting this next chapter of life where you stretch yours and soar.

*Yeah, sure, it’s a verb.

**To start, go to Spectraspeaks.com, scroll down, and look at the column on the right under “Queer Africa.”

Hurry, girl, it’s waiting there for you.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.