Dear Tiggy,
For years, I’ve wondered what it’s like to go down on another man. Thought about it, fantasized about it, watched porn about it, even obsessed about it while being in a straight, long term, and committed relationship. I like to wear lipstick and used to like dressing and speaking as a women, i.e. posing as a woman and providing phone sex to men. I was pretty good at it and liked doing it, but then I’d think “I’m insanely stressed right now, I’ll get past this.” And eventually, I did.
At this point, I haven’t cross-dressed in years, nor have I worn lipstick in years, although I still have some hidden. The one thing that hasn’t gone away is my need for men but I’ve never acted on my desire for them. (Believe me, I’m still attracted to women.) If I’m bi and in Los Angeles, where do I go and how do I go about telling a man I want to go down on him? On a larger scale, how do I begin to live more authentically?
By the way, my Christian church has a thing about homosexuality of any kind. They’d literally burn me like a witch if they knew I thought like this and had these kinds of demons burning inside.
—The Baztard
I think we’ve located the problem. It’s your church.
Why do you choose to be part of a community that would hate your guts if they actually knew you? Why wouldn’t you walk away from a group of people who give you the choice of either being ostracized for being your normal, healthy self or hiding your true nature and being miserable? Maybe you grew up in this church and it’s all you know, but Buddy, something’s got to give here. For years, you’ve been back and forth about whether you want to fulfill your desires, and I’d say the reason you feel so conflicted is because you’re peppered with constant messages that these desires – and you! – are demonic. There’s no way that that doesn’t affect you.
Actively fill up your life with people and things that love everything about the real you – or would, if you shared it with them. Make it so there is zero room for those that cast shame upon you. Start going to one of these churches instead. If church is a big part of your life, transitioning to a new one will be tough at first. But deprogramming from the hate and living an authentic life is going to make you feel so, so much better.
Oh, and: ManHunt.com or Craigslist.org’s Casual Encounters.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.