Dear Tiggy,
I’m about to face an issue that lots of LGBT people have to deal with: college and, more specifically, dorm rooms.
I’m going to the University of Miami in the fall and I already know who my roommate will be. She is so awesome and we really hit it off. My worry is coming out to her. I would really like to have a girlfriend and that’s not something I want to have to hide from her.
I’m not out to anyone else at all. Also, my roommate lives in Shanghai which supposedly is not an LGBT-friendly place. (I don’t know if that’s true or if it matters.) My question is: how do I come out to her? Do I do it now or do I wait until she knows me better? Do I do it by having a long serious conversation or do I just say, “Hey, by the way, I’m bi?”
-Jessica
Congratulations on getting into U. Miami and soon embarking on the exciting adventure that is higher education! It bodes well for the upcoming year that you and your roommate are already getting along.
Let’s get the Shanghai thing out of the way first: it’s too hard to tell what she might think about having a female bisexual roommate based just on that. In general, the signs are good: Shanghai is a gigantic, multicultural city — I’m talking almost three times as big as NYC with more than twice the number of ethnicities — so residents are used to mixing it up with a pile of different people. There are lots of variables here, though: Is she from Shanghai proper or the suburbs? Does how she feel about queer men differ from how she feels about queer women? What are her thoughts on bisexuals specifically, as opposed to gays? This sociopsychological experiment is getting too complicated for the Upland Research Lab, so we’ll just figure that she’s a bit more cosmopolitan than the average bear and that’s probably a good thing.
I’m sorry to report that there’s no one “correct” way to come out to ensure a good response. But if you’re asking what I would do in your shoes…
- Wait until she knows you, but don’t wait too long. If she already knows and likes you as a person, I believe she’ll be more likely to accept any traits attached to you. I think telling her a week after you’ve moved in together would give you both time to enjoy the rush of new experiences and bond with each other while demonstrating that you addressed this in a timely manner.
- Throw out some flags that could prompt an organic conversation. Ask her if she’s OK with you putting a “Safe Space” pink triangle sticker near your door, put some bisexual buttons on your bulletin board or your bag, write “Going to the LGBT Center, BRB” on your dry erase board, etc. These actions will also make it easier to generally be “out” right when you start college.
- If you bring it up, don’t act like you’re telling her you have cancer. If none of the above signs result in her approaching the topic, you should do so yourself about a week in. Pick a time when you’re alone and not rushing around; studying together in your room one afternoon should provide a good opportunity.
- Tell her what “bisexual” means to you. You can say, “I identify as bisexual,” and then, “That means…” and tell her what that means to you. Perhaps: “I’m open to dating people of any gender, not just guys.” You might want to use Robyn Ochs’s definition or, if that’s too complicated to memorize and deliver, just post it in your room somewhere for reference.
- Tell her what this means for her. You can say, “I wanted you to know so you aren’t taken by surprise if I go on a date with a woman, for example.” You could also head off her fears at the pass and provide a little comic relief by saying, “By the way, although you are obviously the most intriguing and beautiful woman in the world, I understand that you are not interested in women in a romantic way, so I’ve decided not to attempt to mate with you. You’re welcome.”
- Let her know where you’re coming from. You can tell her that she’s the first person you’ve come out to. That will alert her that you’re a bit vulnerable while also conveying that you trust and respect her.
- Find community support. You might want to check out SpectrUM meetings right away. It will feel much better to say, “Alright, you guys, I’m planning on coming out to my roommate tomorrow, wish me luck!” to a group that can respond, “Here’s how I did it. We’re here for you no matter how she reacts. You got this!” If you feel that you can trust your R.A., you could also tell her in advance.
Accept that you’re going to be nervous and you’ll execute the whole thing in a rather ham-fisted manner — that’s OK. It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be done. Start with something like, “Hey, so, there’s something interesting about me that I wanted to share with you.” Try to sound upbeat.
Nothing left to do but jump in with both feet, Jessica. You can do this! Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
Hey, it’s dorms at U. Miami!
Hey, it’s queers at U. Miami!
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