August 20, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bisexual in a very feminine body. I have, for some time now, privately identified as “genderqueer” as I really do not feel like a woman, but I’m not really a guy either. I also identify as a top, not in terms of dominance but just in terms of being a giving partner vs. a receiving partner.

I have a broad range of attractions and of late, I have been seeing a lot of straight guys, which is partly a function of living in a small town. It is getting to the point with one where this issue should probably come up. My question for you is how I can best explain this subject without sending a straight guy running, or without causing him to fear that I may physically change genders at some point in the future? Are there good resources that address this issue?

-Tops Up

Sad fact: there are not many resources specific to genderqueers who are not transsexual. You might enjoy following Genderfork or get some info from Genderqueer Australia. There are also groups in larger cities, like Genderqueer Chicago, and a smattering of Meetups but overall, there remain precious few supplies of assistance for this vivid and varied crew. I pray that a slew of genderqueer angels will heed the desperate bleating for such resources and create a rush of websites, blogs, and articles for their people. Tops Up, you may be one of these heroes that your fellow genderqueers dream of. If you’re even slightly inclined, I command you to take to the keyboard post haste (makeshift mask and pillowcase cape optional)!

Until then, you have a question, and it’s one that so many share. Regardless of the failings of society at large for providing advice in this particular area, Tiggy can answer you. Of course she can answer you. Always bet on Upland.

I turned to my pal, J, a genderqueer genius, for their* experience with this exact dilemma. Most of it, says J, boils down to accepting yourself. No sexual partner, no matter how kind and open, will get you to be comfortable authentically expressing yourself until you accept that it’s OK to not choose a gender. You’re battling against every single thing thrown at you in life that says it’s not right to be neither male nor female, nor headed in the direction of either. But you’re not in this fight alone, not nearly. You can do this.

J concedes that even for people without a lick of shame surrounding their genderqueeritude, it can be exasperating to repeatedly slog through this dating scenario. In essence, J began to feel that having sex with straight guys felt probably like when a homosexual person who is not out to themselves has sex with someone of the opposite sex: the sex was perhaps exuberant but tender, their partner was both generous and considerate, good ol’ Tab A went into handy Slot B…but something was just off about the whole thing and they can’t quite put their finger on what.

J tells an anecdote about having a sexual experience with someone and suddenly realizing that this person saw J as a woman. J stepped back to wonder, “Is it OK that I need them to interact with me in the manner that I want, i.e. not acting toward me like, or even thinking that, I am a woman?” They ultimately decided that yes, it was. And it’s OK for you, too. It’s OK for you to need that and not accept less. J feels extremely distressed when regarded as a woman in bed; if you feel the same way, please know that your feelings are perfectly valid.

Although this might not be the answer for you, J solved their dilemma by not dating straight guys anymore. They did not want to restrict themselves to dating partners who restricted themselves to dating women. Whether you choose that route or not, both J and I want you to start telling your truth to the people in your life. We think you’ll be amazed at the results.

*J prefers the pronouns “they,” “their,” and “theirs.”

 
Actually, Black Sheep, you don’t have to get with this or that.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 6, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am bisexual, female, and in a year-long relationship with my girlfriend, who is also bisexual. Our best friend, “Anne,” is roommates with my girlfriend. Since she is fairly religious, we were afraid to tell her about us but finally did after four months in. Being a rather possessive person, Anne had a hard time dealing with us being in a relationship that she was not a part of. She was angry at first but got much better as time went on.

Today, though, Anne revealed that she had told her sister about us a long time ago so she could have someone to talk to about it. (Note that we are not completely out yet.) Unfortunately, her sister told their very religious father. After a long, grueling phone call in which Anne completely defended my girlfriend and me, her family told her she was going to hell for supporting us and that they didn’t want to see her again until she cut all ties to us.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined her life, and made her choose between her family and me. She keeps talking about how she has nobody to walk her down the aisle and no place to go for Christmas. I have no idea what to do.

Thank you for any advice.

-Guilty

Welp, Anne wanted to be a part of your relationship…aaaaand now she is. But before we talk about that, let’s review the ways in which you are not responsible for her actions or their repercussions:

  • She outed you to her sister without your permission.

  • Her sister told someone you ostensibly never would have told.

  • She opted to fight about it with her father.

You didn’t commit any of these actions that led up to the unfortunate result. Arguably, you might have made a different choice at every turn. You are responsible for none of this and, therefore, have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, even the part where Anne defended you to her father which, while honorable, was her decision to make. In order to get past your guilt, you need to acknowledge that you did not “[make] her choose between her family and [you].” If you want to put blame where blame is due, how about starting with her homophobic and vindictive father?

Back to Anne. While I don’t think it’s a conscious effort, I do think she’s getting something out of your guilt. On some level, she realizes that wailing about family-less special occasions makes you feel like you and your girlfriend owe it to her to become her new family. Now that she’s martyred herself for you (which, remember, you never asked her to do), she can enjoy being a permanent appendage to your relationship. You know you’re getting played at least a little when Anne is lamenting a lonely holiday a full eight months in advance. “Nobody to walk her down the aisle”…does she even have a boyfriend? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I suggest releasing your guilt or risk having it fester and turn into resentment. The next time Anne cues the violins for her plight as a political orphan, encourage her to consider making up with her father in some way. Tell her that you appreciate her standing up for you and your girlfriend, but you can’t take the place of her family.
 
Guilty: “You’re not our wife.”
Anne: “I threw my family for you.”
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.