November 11, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.

Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.

She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.

It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?

-Max

The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.

Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?

When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.

Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?

Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.

Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)

And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 14, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve only come out as bisexual to a friend who I live near and see every day, and to some friends I made on a trip, so I’m still not really out. Recently, I had a huge ordeal: I asked a girl I really like to a school dance but I’ve found that I have a crush on another guy. How do I juggle the emotions I feel for my crushes of different genders?

Furthermore, I’m worried for my future. Can someone have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time? How do I choose which gender I want to be with in a serious relationship?

-Frank

Dealing with crushing on different genders is essentially the same as doing so when all of your crushes are the same gender. For now, just enjoy it. Go to the dance with the girl and decide afterward whether you want to pursue something with her, the guy, a new crush, or none of the above. Feelings around love and sex might be a bit overwhelming but it’s really nothing to panic about.

Yes, a person can have more than one boy/girlfriend at the same time, regardless of gender; it’s called “polyamory.” To be perfectly polyamorous instead of a chump-style cheater (or something similarly unhealthy), be sure to follow the four tenets that Loving More proscribes: honesty and clear agreements among partners, mutual goodwill and respect among all involved, intense interpersonal communication, and high ethical standards. That said, it’s often difficult for high schoolers to find others interested in dating non-monogamously. You may have to bide your time until after graduation to find poly-dating peers.

(Hey, as long as we’re on the subject, this would be a good time to make sure you understand the difference between polyamory and bisexuality. Take a minute to check out the second paragraph of my answer here.)

As for your last question, don’t choose a gender to be with; choose a person. The cool thing about bisexuality is that you don’t have to limit your love by gender! Follow your crushes and see where they take you.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My wife knows that I have bisexual interests and I have told her about bisexual experiences that I have had in the past. We used to enjoy having threesomes with a very good mutual friend, but now she prefers to be friends with him as he has difficulties maintaining an erection and she isn’t excited by his technique anymore.

I miss that kind of sex in our relationship, but she says she isn’t interested in seeking it out now. I am about ready to ask her if she would let me pursue a relationship with a man where guy-guy sex could occasionally happen. The problem is that I am most excited by bi men who, like me, have large cocks and enjoy being sexual most when members of both genders are involved. I feel that men with this particular set of attributes/preferences are hard to find and don’t really know how to proceed, but my desire for having this kind of sexual relationship just won’t go away. What can you tell me?

-David

Definitely broach the topic of this form of polyamory with your wife. There appears to be very little risk in doing so: she knows that you’re bisexual and she’s participated in threesomes with you, so she won’t be surprised by your suggestion of taking a male lover. If you go that route, ManHunt.net should be helpful in locating a proper dude.

But your letter is a bit unclear – is she tired of threesomes or just tired of threesomes that include that particular guy? Why not talk to her about that and see if you can find men you’re both interested in? You seem convinced that there are only two large-membered men interested in Devil’s Threesomes*: you and your buddy with erectile dysfunction. I’m happy to tell you that you are incorrect — so don’t give up so easily! — but you need to know where to look.

For this, I consulted my good friend, Dr. X, who has not only sampled several sex communities but also founded his own thriving sex club. He first recommends searching for local swingers clubs online, and exploring Craigslist.com and FetLife.com. Although “Fet” does refer to “fetish,” he assures me that it’s a good space even if you’re not kinky: “You can be vanilla and still talk with like-minded people and join groups of kindred spirits in almost any locale on any topic.” 

In joining a sex club, X says, “The ideal method is to connect through someone in-the-know: a confirmed non-sketchy pal who understands boundaries and consent and is a stand-up person. A safe space for bisexual people specifically is relevant especially as a bi male, I’ve found.”

David, let me now be the first to encourage you to take the fulfillment of your sexual desires to their most climactic end. Mahatma Gandhi famously counseled us all to “be the change you wish to see in the world.” He was, of course, referring to creating your own sex club.

Take it away, Dr. X. “Before one even thinks about trodding down that path, there are certain prerequisites that need to be in place for safety and to insure that you’re going to experience the super-sexy time you’ve been picturing in your fantasies. It is possible, but this is real life and you gotta do your prep work.

“The big thing is making damn sure your interpersonal communication skills/negotiation skills/ability to recognize and diagnose sketchy people EARLY ON are honed. If you’ve had a history of being used or not recognizing signs ahead of the 20/20 of hindsight on several occasions, you might want to hold back and take stock. Make sure you’re comfortable with the phrases ‘No,’ ‘No, thanks,’ and ‘No, fuck off.’ Once such personal groundwork is established, you can start a club with select people you know and trust. Put in some structure for safety and filter members to uphold quality and agreed-upon values.” Dr. X recommends using a private Facebook page for group communication.

No matter how you proceed, please know that you have options, lots of people like what you have to offer, and you’re probably attracted to more types than you think. Access the possibilities by having more than one friend in the world.

*a threesome with two men and one woman

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over three years and we have a two-year-old son whom I love more than life itself. I have always been interested in guys, although I don’t so much find them attractive or check them out. I have had encounters with men before and enjoyed it.

I recently confessed to my wife this deep secret and she was happy that I told her but at the same time was very overwhelmed. I want to do it again but my wife doesn’t believe in any kind of sex outside of marriage. I respect her feelings but I keep wondering about it.

I can’t help how I feel and I don’t think I can go through my entire life suppressing these feelings. I asked if we could have a threesome but she never wants to touch or be with another guy besides me. She offered to try new things but I don’t think this would suffice. Any suggestions? I have no idea what to do.

-Confused

Fine readers: this is why you communicate your sexual desires and preferences to your partner before — or instead of — pledging lifelong monogamy.

Confused, that ship has sailed for you, so let us forge ahead. Since this confession was so recent, your wife is still processing the information and trying, as you are, to mentally fit it into the parameters of your marriage. The information, the parameters, or both will have to be compromised and you’re both still coming to terms with that fact.

You offered some good possibilities (e.g. a threesome, a rendezvous for you outside of your marriage) and her reply was negative. But that was just her initial reaction, and surely you can understand such a response when you answered her proposal for “trying new things” likewise. If you approach this as a series of conversations instead of a single question with a yes/no answer, the process will open communications and grease the wheels of compromise.

Please find a therapist to guide you two in discussing how a mutually beneficial sex life might look. This list of bi-friendly therapists is an excellent place to start searching. For this to work, both of you need to be open-minded about the possibilities. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for her to eventually decide that she’s OK with you having sex with men as long as she can be there (or as long as she doesn’t have to be there). And perhaps once you experience the new things she wants to try, you’ll find them satisfying after all.

Note, too, that being a closeted bi — i.e. one who suppresses certain feelings — can be agony but that’s very different from being a monogamous bi. After all, when you married, didn’t you willingly agree to stop acting on your sexual feelings for other women? What I mean is, it’s possible that just being able to talk openly about your feelings for men to your wife and/or a community of bisexuals will be enough for you.

She’s the love of your life, Confused. I have total faith that with a trained therapist mediating your talks, you two can devise a sex life that satisfies you both.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 7, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy…

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a woman who has been married almost 20 years to a wonderful man with whom I have four daughters. I recently told my husband that I am interested in women and would like to bring someone into our “forever relationship.” He is open to the idea, and we did have a weekend with someone special.

I’m afraid of telling my children, three of whom are adults now. I’m even more afraid of them finding out by someone else even though we haven’t told anyone. How do I tell my children that I am interested in women but I still love their father? Do I tell them separately or all at once? Or should I keep it a secret from them like I have for so many years?

-Lost & Confused

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bi married lady and my husband and I have been swingers for over the last six years. We decided a long time ago that we wanted another woman to join our relationship. I’m happy to say that we have found her and both love her, and we’ve decided to move her into our home. The truth is, I don’t want to introduce her as a roommate but as a second mom to my two teenagers. Would this be a mistake? My kids don’t know that i’m bi, let alone that my husband and I have a girlfriend.

-MTT

Wild Deuces, I always say that there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Of course, there’s no need to go all-out Jonah Lehrer either, but if someone else has a good answer to your problem, Tiggy will happily pass it on to you.

And here, someone does: Loving More, the preeminent polyamory website. Allow me to remind you folks at home that bisexuality describes being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with people of all genders, while polyamory refers to being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties. They are not the same thing; poly people can be of any sexuality, and bisexuals can be polyamorous or monogamous.

Here’s what Loving More says about letting your kids know about your poly lovestyle:

“Every parent knows their kid best and needs to decide what’s best. As a general rule, however, Loving More always recommends that parents be honest with their kids, in an age-appropriate way.

“Children are perceptive and will pick up emotional nuances between you and others that even you are barely aware of. We find that when parents finally decide to tell their kids after delaying, the kids usually figured it out long ago. Not telling kids can bring them great insecurity if they think one or both parents are having an affair that means the parents are separating. If we want honesty from our kids, we need to model honesty to our kids.

“This does not mean detailing your sex life. What goes on in the adults’ bedroom is not the kids’ business in any household, poly or mono.”

The Tiggster couldn’t have said it better herself. But MTT, let me add something for you: to show up out of nowhere with someone your kids have never laid eyes on and say, “She’s living with us now. Oh, and she’s your new mom,” would be unquestionably detrimental to their emotional health. It’s a bad idea, whether you’re introducing a third in a poly partnership or the new partner of a single parent. Please put yourself in your children’s shoes: they don’t even know that there’s a potential for a new adult in their lives in this capacity. Come out to them as outlined above but don’t move her in yet — can you wait just a few years until they’re out of the house? No matter what, don’t drop this woman in their laps as their “second mom.” I suggest you take this whole thing much more slowly.

For specific tips on revealing your poly proclivities to your progeny, check out Chapter 17 in Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, and Chapter 12 in The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 9, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 28-year-old man in a seven-year relationship with my male partner. For the last two years, we have been in an open relationship and have been very successful in our endeavors – so successful that I have come out to my partner about my sexual attraction to women. He has been very supportive and caring about it, and I can’t thank him enough.

I don’t have much experience with women and I’m not sure how to get the ball rolling. I’ve had a lot of female friends that I’ve had feelings for but never took action for obvious reasons. Should I be honest about my sexuality and my relationship? Am I deluding myself for thinking there would be any women interested in me?

—Gay-Now-Bi

Dang it, what’s with all you Wild Deuces lately thinking that no one is going to like you? Gay-Now-Bi, you’ve got a man who loves you enough for a seven-year commitment and accepts you for who you are. You must be the shiznit to attract caliber like that. I bet the whole district digs your chili.

The answers to your questions, in order, are a solid “yes” and a solid “no.” I don’t have quite enough information on your love style or your specific brand of poly relationship to tell you how to proceed but here’s a possible game plan that you might be able to shape to your liking…

Go to mixed-gender parties or bars and get to chatting with a woman you find attractive. Don’t be afraid to flirt – the ladies will love it. If she asks about your relationship status, just say, “I have a boyfriend but we’re open and I’m bi.” If the situation feels right, you two can make out. Then, tell your dude-lovin’ female friends about it. They’ll be psyched for the gossip, and it gives you the perfect “coming out” tool. Better still, it sets the stage for possibly flirting with them in the future; they’ll be more receptive instead of being caught all unawares. Voila, the word will be out that you’re open for business, and customers will not be refused for too much estrogen!

Oh, one more thing: you might want to get hooked up with the bi community and meet the bevy of women who prefer bi guys. Didn’t know that group existed, didja? Check out Ann Herendeen’s books and stand-up comedy…she’ll tell you allll about it.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 17, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m in a long-term relationship with the sweetest, most caring man in the world for six years. Sounds great, right? We just have one problem: I still occasionally crave a female sex partner. It got so bad at one point that I actually could not engage in sex with him. He allowed me to be with a female one time and we have been perfectly fine in the bedroom since. Now I’ve noticed that he’s become very insecure about my bisexuality and keeps asking if he is going to have to deal with that need every few years. I have no idea how to a) turn off that desire or b) help him to understand that it’s something that I personally can’t control. Please help.

—In Love with Needs

Of course he’s insecure about this. You both agreed to monogamy but now you want to change the rules mid-game. That’ll throw a dude off. From the looks of it, he probably feels like you withheld sex and then used your bisexuality as an excuse to justify your “need.” Please understand that this isn’t a need, it’s just a desire. It’s true that you can’t turn it off but that’s not to say that you’re at its mercy.

Let’s be clear: bisexuality and polyamory are two different things. Bisexuals don’t need a constant stream of both men and women any more than, say, a straight man needs a constant stream of blondes, brunettes, redheads, and raven-haired beauties. (Let us pause a moment to enjoy that yummy mental visual.) That’s a good thing because we’d all be exhausted trying to hook up with short and tall people, loud and quiet people, folks with brown/blue/hazel/green eyes – shoot, you’d have to bed the cast of Glee just to keep up. We do not need to fulfill our every urge, and a knack for enjoying the many genders provides no exception. When you choose to have a monogamous relationship, you choose not to act on your hankering to bone anyone other than your partner, regardless of demographic categories filled.

Do a cost-benefit analysis: would you rather enjoy the benefits of monogamy and forego being with women, or be free to be with women and eschew monogamy? It sounds like being poly is your preference but the catch here is that your beloved does not seem amenable. It’s possible, though, that if you come to an agreement of terms well in advance, that structure and transparency could make him feel secure enough to give it a go. (However, I’d warn against giving him a false sense of controlling your sexuality, i.e. him “allowing” you to be with someone.) Additionally, I’d take pains to make him see that your interest in an open relationship is not based on his supposed shortcomings. Let him know that he’s good enough, and that it’s not about that.

Nonetheless, if your guy is still not interested in an open relationship after you hash it out, you have a choice to make: monogamy with him or polyamory without him. I hate to say this to a fellow bi, but you can’t have it both ways.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 3, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I came out as bisexual last May and I’ve been talking to this girl for about a year. Things were going great until I started dating this guy who ultimately violated me a few weeks later. The girl I was talking to got really jealous and started talking to me about a certain guy that she only likes in order to get back at me. I can understand her jealousy and I can respect her feelings, but I am so hurt, so angry (at myself mostly), and just miserable. I want to make things right with her and for her to stop talking to me about her guy. I want what we had before guys even came into the picture.

Because I am so new at this, I’m wondering if it’s okay to have both a guy and a woman in my life at the same time. Is it normal? Or do I need to stick with one person at a time? I have been crying for over a week because I feel like I hurt my girl’s feelings and never thought she would get this jealous. I thought she would be accepting of it since I am very accepting of her dating her guy. Plus, I asked her to back off and give me some space to think, but it hurts that she’s now non-existent. I want to talk to her, not for her to ignore me.

I don’t know what to do or say. I am just lost. I would appreciate some feedback. Thank you.

—Whirlwind

Reading this letter makes me feel like I was run over by a moped-riding clown. Allow me to help sort this out, but first: you glossed over the fact that someone “violated” you. I’m not sure exactly what you mean but if you need someone to talk to, you can call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE any time of day or night. Please don’t use your relationship dilemma to distract yourself from such an important personal issue.

Alright, onward: it appears that your major problem is a lack of concrete boundaries in these relationships. You’re “talking” to this woman, she’s “talking” to this guy — what does this mean? This stuff needs to be defined and the only way to do that is through honest communication. Based on what you’ve written, I have to admit that I don’t know if either of you are capable of that right now. Jealousy-induced revenge on someone you like is immature behavior. Moreover, if she knew that this man you were dating violated you and is still trying to make you feel bad, that’s unacceptable treatment. Meanwhile, you ask if you can have relationships with a man and a woman simultaneously but you also say you want what you both had before guys came into the picture. You tell her to back off and then lament her absence.

Enough. Sit down, clear your head, and decide what you really want. Don’t base it on what you think she wants or what you think is “normal”; there is no “normal.” There are plenty of people who have relationships with more than one person, whatever the gender, and they are called “polyamorous.” Since there are lots of ways to be poly, you will need to define exactly what that would mean for both of you, if that’s what you want. Frankly, it looks to me like you need to stick with NO people at this time. Regardless, you should do two really hard things: be honest with yourself and be honest with her. Figure it out, once and for all, and then tell her without all of the childish games.

And you know, as long as you’re being honest with yourself, you might acknowledge that you’ve helped create this dramafest because it gives you a thrill. Or it did…I mean, I’m sure it seemed exciting at first, but a week of wailing and gnashing of teeth isn’t exactly a trip to Six Flags, is it? Being honest about your feelings is scary but I promise you’ll find it more fulfilling in the end, no matter what the outcome.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.