May 12, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

Dear Tiggy,

I went to an awesome liberal arts college with a great LGBTQIA community, but I never actually got involved. I have social anxiety – an unfortunate amount of time was spent being terrified of everybody – and I didn’t actually come out until the end of my senior year.

I feel like I missed my opportunity to get involved in the community in general, because now that I’m out of school it’s a lot harder to meet people and integrate into groups of friends. Any advice on how a twenty-something could get started on cultivating this area of life?

-M-Dizzle

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a woman in her mid-twenties who feels stuck figuring out whether I like guys or girls, or both. I feel like I’m getting too old to try to understand my feelings. It seems most people figure this out in their teens or early twenties. Heck, some people are married before they reach my age. I wonder if you can help me to not feel so worried and anxious about this. Thanks for your help, Tiggy.

-Andi

Ellen Albertini Dow, best known as the old lady from The Wedding Singer, died last week at age 101. She was a recognized, working actor — no easy feat. Did you know that Dow began acting at age 72? Do you know how many successful people were late bloomers?

You two see where I’m headed with this? That’s right: you can be successful bisexuals even though you didn’t come out of the closet when you came out of the womb.

There are so many people the same age as you, so many, who are still figuring it all out. In fact, I guarantee that the majority of people are still untangling and discovering their identity and sexuality in one form or another in their 20s. And 30s. And 80s — no lie, life throws you curveballs right up until the end. For cryin’ old loud, Bruce Jenner just came out as trans and he’s* a senior citizen.

In fact, yeah, let’s talk about Bruce. When he was an American athletic hero, when he was eating his Wheaties and guest starring on Silver Spoons, when he was marrying three times and fathering six kids and four stepkids, when he was Keeping Up With the Kardashians — during all that, do you think anyone looking at his life from the outside in had even an inkling that he was trans? No, ma’am. So why do you think you know what “most people” have sorted by your age? Don’t you think they’re looking at you and thinking the same thing? (Oh, and for the record, just because someone is married does not mean they’ve straightened out every last thread on the fringe of their sexual being. Just ask ‘em.)

I suppose you both missed certain opportunities in coming out after your teens. Everything we do has what economists call “opportunity costs,” i.e. choosing one path means not choosing another. I just hope you don’t find yourself stuck on the dock gazing wistfully at the wake of your (imagined?) missed boat. It’s sad to be the person who harps on a past age when they think everything would have been perfect if they were somehow different then. You’ve seen the cliché hetero man in a midlife crisis with the fancy car and the younger girlfriend? Ugh, don’t be that guy. You might feel like if you had come to your sexual identity sooner, life would have been an unceasing party of queer popularity. But you don’t know that. Your experience at that time of your life was the queer experience, just not the one you’ve been sold by TV and movies.

Instead of ruminating on some fantasy era, go after what you actually want. If it’s a relationship with someone of the same gender, then aim for that. Find practical advice on exactly what steps to take here, here, and even here despite the fact that neither of you are “older” by any definition. And if your worry is that all of your peers are paired off and no one is left for you, then breathe easy because this is utterly preposterous. (Actually, there are plenty of people your age who will be in the closet long after you’ve emerged.) I’m sure that once you begin to gather queer acquaintances, friends, and lovers, you won’t care a bit about what might have been.

You haven’t missed the boat. You are the boat. When is it too late to live your life authentically with likeminded friends? When you’re dead, and not one second before.

*Bruce uses the pronouns “he,” “him,” and “his” until he unveils Her.

Oh, Uncle Rico. It will never be 1982 again.

And, thank your lucky stars, it will never be 1988 again either.

Repeat after me: I am the boat.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 15, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have just recently come out as bi to a few close friends. Now, a year into my marriage, I am feeling less and less attraction to men and more and more of an attraction to women. It’s actually become somewhat uncontrollable. I have become involved with a female friend of mine, mainly on an emotional (and, at times, physical) level. She is so wonderful and when I am with her, I feel so relaxed and I feel like myself. This is not the first time in my relationship with my husband that this has happened. Any advice?

—Bi Wife

Wild Deuces, I have to admit that my first impulse was to be a bit tough on this questioner, as I felt she was being selfish and dishonest with her husband. But I knew that that wasn’t fair to her. I needed to try harder to be sympathetic and see where she was coming from. I thought that perhaps a bit more information might allow me to be less judgmental, so I wrote back to Bi Wife and asked, “Why did you get married?” She replied:

Dear Tiggy,

I got married because I loved my partner. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him enough that I could suppress or ignore these other feelings I was having. He seemed OK with the fact that I was attracted to women. I’ve had “feelings” for a very long time; I can even remember having them in high school over 10 years ago. I grew up in North Carolina and didn’t really even know what it meant to be LGBT until I moved to Boston four years ago. I thought that all girls felt the way I feel and that it was just a phase. I wish I had known then what I know now.

—Bi Wife

And that’s all it took for me to get over my judgment and see the perspective of this particular Deuce. Actually, I was surprised that she didn’t seem offended by my question. I think if someone asked me why I got married, even if I had revealed that the marriage was not in a solid place, I’d say, “Because I loved zir,* duh.” But in just a few earnest words, she conveyed to me exactly how easy it would be to wind up in her shoes. Thanks for that, Bi Wife. Now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk snippiness, I can honestly say that my heart goes out to you.

I think the universe really threw you off when it gave you the opportunity to better understand your sexuality well after it gave you a great guy. It really should have done it in the opposite order, and now your life schedule is all out of whack. The universe is an idiot and kind of a jerkface. I think this is what scientists mean when they say the universe is dense.

Because of this, you’ve been trying to find your way through this process of self-discovery while staying married. It sounds like this process has gotten messy, and you need to admit the hard truth to yourself that you’ve cheated on your spouse with at least two people. Maybe you’re even ready to admit to yourself that exploration of your queer sexuality while being monogamously married to a man isn’t exactly working. However, I wouldn’t suggest that you make any immediate decisions about your whole arrangement; figuring this all out will be a process, so take your time.

Since you’re in Boston, I highly recommend that you attend the peer-led group, “Straight Marriage, Still Questioning” on the second Monday of each month. For more information, contact kate.e.flynn [at] gmail [dot] com. Unlike with your sometimes-slow pal Tiggy, you won’t have to wait a single second for these folks to “get” you. They’re in the same position you are and will welcome you into their mutually-supportive space with open arms.

I wish you much faith and courage on this difficult figuring-out period in your life, Bi Wife. I can only suggest that you try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself as you go along. And one more thing: I’d hold off on having children with your husband until you get this all sorted, if I were you.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

*gender neutral pronoun

January 10, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a woman and have been attracted to women for as long as I can remember, but have never acted on it. I’ve had a few boyfriends, many crushes, but I never felt like I was being totally true to myself. After I finished college last May, I decided to travel because I needed a radical change. With this fresh start, I felt motivated and in touch with myself, including the fact that I am bisexual – in fact, maybe even on the gay side of the Kinsey scale.

I had a few flings in Cuba, which were exciting but not satisfying. On one of my last nights, I met a guy who seemed really sweet. Late that night, he asked me if I felt anything for him, and I didn’t know…so I kissed him, and it was magical! We spent my last four days together and it was some of the happiest times of my life.

I left to continue my journey but he and I kept in touch almost daily through emails. I hooked up with a few guys along the way, but it was purely sex. I felt like I had met the man of my dreams and I had to take advantage of being somewhat single while I could, as I was a late bloomer sexually. I told him about the infidelity because I wanted to be completely honest with him. He was a bit hurt but understood and said we could leave it in the past.

After five months, I went back to him. We talked about being together in the future and the probability of marriage in order to be together. All was glorious but after a while, I got sick. I started worrying, thinking that my physical unease was from the pressure of this relationship. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I am just learning who I am! It turns out that I had a kidney infection, but all the unease led to renewed doubts about my sexuality. He could tell I was changing; things he would do would bother me unnecessarily. We almost broke it off but I couldn’t, it just didn’t seem right. Never seeing him again seemed unfathomable.

I’ve now been back in South America for the last two months. Within a few weeks, I told him about my attraction to women and how I didn’t know what to do. He said he needed me to know what I want because the distance is hard enough. I felt relief being honest with him as well as sadness. I love him and I want to share my life with him in so many ways…but what to do about the sexual part? The sex with him was good but there’s this nagging feeling that I need to try being with women. How could I let so much curiosity go untested?

The question is where to go from here. I am feeling lost and racked with guilt because my curiosity continues, it affects my sleep and my appetite. In the street, I look at men and women and constantly measure my level of attraction, comparing and contrasting. I have the support of friends and family from afar and am only staying here for now due to a great career opportunity. I want to talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling, but not over the phone, and I won’t be going back to Cuba for a few months. My mother told me to hook up with a girl first to see how I feel, but I don’t want to be unfaithful again.

I really don’t want to lose him and couldn’t bear to hurt him. I can imagine a future with him, children even…but for now, all I need is some inner peace. I want to be the best “me” possible, open and loving, because it’s what he deserves and I want to give it to him. Any suggestions?

—Love Embargo

P.S. Reading your advice column makes me feel less alone.

Normally, I edit the letters down to much shorter than this, but I so enjoyed this international soap opera that I had to share it with the Wild Deuces. Love Embargo, you’re a remarkable protagonist: so earnest, so adventurous, so full of feelings, and you sincerely try to treat the one you love with respect.

You know you’ll have to make a choice here and no matter what, you’ll experience pain and a loss in some area of your life. I think you’re asking me which choice is the one that will bring the least pain to your boyfriend, and which choice makes the most sense in terms of your personal growth. Your situation reveals a selflessness toward your man and yet a respect to yourself as a woman striving for self-actualization. Of course, you’ve put Tiggy in the position of bearing the bad tidings…

Ah, Love Embargo. You have to let him go.

You have to let yourself explore. Now is not the time in your life for permanence (i.e. marriage) or promises (i.e. monogamy).You can imagine a future with him but today is not the future; it’s now, you’re 23, you’re seeing the world, and you have yet to “test your sexual curiosity.” Add in the long-distance aspect of the relationship and – as much as you truly do love each other – I don’t see a way to reconcile this romance with reality.

The kindest way to treat him in this case is to cut him loose. I’m glad that your mom so openly supports your sexual exploration but I’m with you: cheating is not the way to do it. Continue the fully honest exchange you’ve carefully established with him. Don’t leave him hanging on to you while you get with other people. It will tear him apart.

I’m sorry for the tears you’ll share as you work this out. I hope you can salvage a deep friendship with each other.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 1, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

After a ten-year hiatus, I (a woman) have started dating a woman. This is not the problem; in fact, this is wonderful. The issue is that when I was a teenager, I never felt the need to come out to my family, and now that I am older, I think that it’s high time, uncomfortable though it may be. 

Now, this woman is wonderful, but my decision to come out at this time is one that I’m making because it’s time. How do I manage this in such a way that it doesn’t put an undue pressure on this very new relationship? I don’t want her to feel the responsibility for what I’m dealing with family-wise, as it doesn’t really have anything to do with her.

—Late Bloomer

Well…doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a pretty big coincidence that you feel it’s time to come out at the very moment you start dating a most fabulous woman (congrats, by the way!).

She’s dating you, and that means all of you — your whole, wonderfully complicated package. She’s dating a woman who has been comfortably out to herself, and possibly her friends as well, for years and years, but not out to her family. Your new belle is probably having a great time getting to know your interesting self, and this is part of that. Not only can she handle it, I’ll bet she’s enjoying the ride. Creating bonds with someone is as messy as a Gallagher show, but if she couldn’t take getting splashed with watermelon juice, she wouldn’t have bought a ticket.

Aside from the above acceptance and lezzie-faire attitude, you can feel free to put off introducing her to your family for a bit. Your relationship is still in its burgeoning stage and your family probably wants to chew on your news on their own timetable. When she doesn’t have to manage your family’s feelings but also isn’t “shielded” from yours, you’ll know you’ve hit the right balance.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.