Dear Tiggy,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and have unfortunately been long-distance for the majority of such time. However, we have planned for me to move in with him this coming January, something I’ve never done in a relationship before, so I’m already a little nervous.
He confided in me that he has been curious about having sex with another male, but more recently described this desire as more of a craving for submissive behavior (on his end). Since we have agreed to an exclusive relationship, I have been very willing and open to sexually experimenting to satisfy him. For example, we bought a strap-on and plan to use it the next time we can be intimate. Up until this point, I have had a slight feeling of insecurity in relation to his attraction, but we have talked it out and everything has been fine.
I am fully aware that he enjoys gay porn and have absolutely no ill feelings regarding it. What I did have a poor reaction to, however, was when he sometimes refuses to masturbate with me via Skype (while we are apart) because he would rather masturbate to porn.
In hearing this, I felt unwanted and very betrayed because most of the time that is as physical as we can possibly get. Though we’ve talked through it and have come to a resolution, I’m having issues in feeling sexually connected to him (on top of the distance). I’ve found myself looking at other men as prospects and occasionally feeling like, sexually, the relationship has been tainted. This is especially alarming and shameful to me because I consider myself to be a very loyal lover, though in that, I expect the same in return. So far, he has agreed to such, but I definitely feel like that was a step in the wrong direction. I want to be sure to explain that I would feel just as betrayed and hurt if he was looking at porn with other women instead of me, but being straight, this does make it a little more confusing for me.
Any input you have in regards to the situation would be greatly appreciated. And yes, I know, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me!
-Red Flag or Minor Mishap?
You’ve been doing everything right so far. For the record, there’s nothing about a man wanting to be pegged (i.e. be penetrated by a female partner wearing a strap-on dildo) or even watching gay male porn that says he’s necessarily queer. And as you’ve outlined, that’s not really the issue anyway.
Having a partner who masturbates, with or without tools (including porn), is not inherently problematic. It’s only a red flag when s/he does it instead of being intimate with a willing partner. But you’ve communicated and resolved this dilemma, and you continue be open to trying new things in the boot-knockin’ department. All excellent stuff.
Did his incidents of “porn-over-partner” occur after you agreed to move in together, or perhaps when the move-in date came close enough to feel real? If so, it might be partly a reaction of nervousness on his part. He could be pushing you away and subconsciously soaking up every last bit of alone-time before you live together. Similarly, your wandering eye is most likely a way to “protect” yourself from him making you feel unwanted and betrayed again, as if to say, “I don’t need him. I could find someone else in a snap.”
It’s completely normal to be freaked out by deciding to live with your partner. In fact, there’s virtually always a bit of mutual resistance just before —and just after— a move-in. You know, a smart lady once told me that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you (or vice versa)…
I will admit, Minor Miss with the Crimson Flag, that I’m just a smidgen worried about you, only because I’m not sure whether you have a support system in your new location. Please put effort into creating one, or making sure the one you’re leaving will still be there to catch you if you fall. That way, if you and your man ultimately decide that you’re not on the same page, sexually or otherwise, you’ll know that you can handle it. But bottom line: no need to worry just yet. Keep communicating and ride out the move-in. Things will be much clearer on the other side.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.