Dear Tiggy,
I came out as bisexual last May and I’ve been talking to this girl for about a year. Things were going great until I started dating this guy who ultimately violated me a few weeks later. The girl I was talking to got really jealous and started talking to me about a certain guy that she only likes in order to get back at me. I can understand her jealousy and I can respect her feelings, but I am so hurt, so angry (at myself mostly), and just miserable. I want to make things right with her and for her to stop talking to me about her guy. I want what we had before guys even came into the picture.
Because I am so new at this, I’m wondering if it’s okay to have both a guy and a woman in my life at the same time. Is it normal? Or do I need to stick with one person at a time? I have been crying for over a week because I feel like I hurt my girl’s feelings and never thought she would get this jealous. I thought she would be accepting of it since I am very accepting of her dating her guy. Plus, I asked her to back off and give me some space to think, but it hurts that she’s now non-existent. I want to talk to her, not for her to ignore me.
I don’t know what to do or say. I am just lost. I would appreciate some feedback. Thank you.
—Whirlwind
Reading this letter makes me feel like I was run over by a moped-riding clown. Allow me to help sort this out, but first: you glossed over the fact that someone “violated” you. I’m not sure exactly what you mean but if you need someone to talk to, you can call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE any time of day or night. Please don’t use your relationship dilemma to distract yourself from such an important personal issue.
Alright, onward: it appears that your major problem is a lack of concrete boundaries in these relationships. You’re “talking” to this woman, she’s “talking” to this guy — what does this mean? This stuff needs to be defined and the only way to do that is through honest communication. Based on what you’ve written, I have to admit that I don’t know if either of you are capable of that right now. Jealousy-induced revenge on someone you like is immature behavior. Moreover, if she knew that this man you were dating violated you and is still trying to make you feel bad, that’s unacceptable treatment. Meanwhile, you ask if you can have relationships with a man and a woman simultaneously but you also say you want what you both had before guys came into the picture. You tell her to back off and then lament her absence.
Enough. Sit down, clear your head, and decide what you really want. Don’t base it on what you think she wants or what you think is “normal”; there is no “normal.” There are plenty of people who have relationships with more than one person, whatever the gender, and they are called “polyamorous.” Since there are lots of ways to be poly, you will need to define exactly what that would mean for both of you, if that’s what you want. Frankly, it looks to me like you need to stick with NO people at this time. Regardless, you should do two really hard things: be honest with yourself and be honest with her. Figure it out, once and for all, and then tell her without all of the childish games.
And you know, as long as you’re being honest with yourself, you might acknowledge that you’ve helped create this dramafest because it gives you a thrill. Or it did…I mean, I’m sure it seemed exciting at first, but a week of wailing and gnashing of teeth isn’t exactly a trip to Six Flags, is it? Being honest about your feelings is scary but I promise you’ll find it more fulfilling in the end, no matter what the outcome.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.