May 12, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

Dear Tiggy,

I went to an awesome liberal arts college with a great LGBTQIA community, but I never actually got involved. I have social anxiety – an unfortunate amount of time was spent being terrified of everybody – and I didn’t actually come out until the end of my senior year.

I feel like I missed my opportunity to get involved in the community in general, because now that I’m out of school it’s a lot harder to meet people and integrate into groups of friends. Any advice on how a twenty-something could get started on cultivating this area of life?

-M-Dizzle

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a woman in her mid-twenties who feels stuck figuring out whether I like guys or girls, or both. I feel like I’m getting too old to try to understand my feelings. It seems most people figure this out in their teens or early twenties. Heck, some people are married before they reach my age. I wonder if you can help me to not feel so worried and anxious about this. Thanks for your help, Tiggy.

-Andi

Ellen Albertini Dow, best known as the old lady from The Wedding Singer, died last week at age 101. She was a recognized, working actor — no easy feat. Did you know that Dow began acting at age 72? Do you know how many successful people were late bloomers?

You two see where I’m headed with this? That’s right: you can be successful bisexuals even though you didn’t come out of the closet when you came out of the womb.

There are so many people the same age as you, so many, who are still figuring it all out. In fact, I guarantee that the majority of people are still untangling and discovering their identity and sexuality in one form or another in their 20s. And 30s. And 80s — no lie, life throws you curveballs right up until the end. For cryin’ old loud, Bruce Jenner just came out as trans and he’s* a senior citizen.

In fact, yeah, let’s talk about Bruce. When he was an American athletic hero, when he was eating his Wheaties and guest starring on Silver Spoons, when he was marrying three times and fathering six kids and four stepkids, when he was Keeping Up With the Kardashians — during all that, do you think anyone looking at his life from the outside in had even an inkling that he was trans? No, ma’am. So why do you think you know what “most people” have sorted by your age? Don’t you think they’re looking at you and thinking the same thing? (Oh, and for the record, just because someone is married does not mean they’ve straightened out every last thread on the fringe of their sexual being. Just ask ‘em.)

I suppose you both missed certain opportunities in coming out after your teens. Everything we do has what economists call “opportunity costs,” i.e. choosing one path means not choosing another. I just hope you don’t find yourself stuck on the dock gazing wistfully at the wake of your (imagined?) missed boat. It’s sad to be the person who harps on a past age when they think everything would have been perfect if they were somehow different then. You’ve seen the cliché hetero man in a midlife crisis with the fancy car and the younger girlfriend? Ugh, don’t be that guy. You might feel like if you had come to your sexual identity sooner, life would have been an unceasing party of queer popularity. But you don’t know that. Your experience at that time of your life was the queer experience, just not the one you’ve been sold by TV and movies.

Instead of ruminating on some fantasy era, go after what you actually want. If it’s a relationship with someone of the same gender, then aim for that. Find practical advice on exactly what steps to take here, here, and even here despite the fact that neither of you are “older” by any definition. And if your worry is that all of your peers are paired off and no one is left for you, then breathe easy because this is utterly preposterous. (Actually, there are plenty of people your age who will be in the closet long after you’ve emerged.) I’m sure that once you begin to gather queer acquaintances, friends, and lovers, you won’t care a bit about what might have been.

You haven’t missed the boat. You are the boat. When is it too late to live your life authentically with likeminded friends? When you’re dead, and not one second before.

*Bruce uses the pronouns “he,” “him,” and “his” until he unveils Her.

Oh, Uncle Rico. It will never be 1982 again.

And, thank your lucky stars, it will never be 1988 again either.

Repeat after me: I am the boat.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 14, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 17 year old male and I consider myself a biromantic homoflexible person. I have been biromantic most my life, having had romantic crushes on both males and females. But sexually, I was mainly homosexual until over a year and a half ago. In the past year or so, I have learnt that I am homoflexible: occasionally sexually attracted to the opposite gender, and predominantly sexually attracted to the same gender. I like to identify as queer as well.

I came out as bi to some friends to keep it simple, but am willing to elaborate if needed. I am wondering if you would consider “bi” to be an appropriate term. If a person is a biromantic heterosexual or homosexual, for instance, would it be practical for them to consider themselves straight/gay or bisexual? I know it would be up to the individual, but I was wondering if you have a stance on this as a bisexual.

-J

The only stance I have on this is how cool it is that you know yourself so well.

Labels of any kind can only be applied by the one wearing them. That said, a sexuality label not only helps you understand yourself better, it also helps others understand what you’re about and points you toward a community. The tricky thing, as you’ve discovered, is that your label for yourself isn’t necessarily one that most others can comprehend, nor is it always attached to an organized community.

Labels can sum up a part of you in a succinct word or two but when you end up having to deliver a lengthy explanation on it anyway, you begin to wonder why you even bothered with it.

So some queer folks pick the closest recognizable label and go with that for public purposes. Hey, that’s terrific! I like that you’re “willing to elaborate as needed” because it demonstrates that you’re not hiding anything, you’re just trying to make your life slightly less difficult. Thumbs up, Captain.

I humbly submit that the especially neat-o aspect of identifying as bi is that it’s all but assumed that you have another moniker tailored to your more specific sexual identity. Lots of us use the word “bi” as an acronym (B.I.) that stands for “Bi Inclusive” — that is, an umbrella term inclusive of all of the middle sexualities. As such, the bi community fully expects that you have a precise term for the kind of person you’re attracted to…and we each already have six or seven biromantic homoflexible friends!

I believe that most biromantic hetero/homosexuals identify as straight/gay out of practicality, but also because being bisexual still carries a stigma. Thus, it is evermore spectacular that you choose to identify as bi, thereby throwing a metaphorical wrench into the perpetual stigma machine (also metaphorical). But that’s just one Wild Deuce’s opinion. At the end of the day, your personal label is about what you’re most comfortable with, and everything else is just gravy.

Make YOUR own label!


© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 31, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

On this last day of Bi Health Awareness Month, please take one last look at the information provided by the Bisexual Resource Center on mental health for bis. Learn how we’re vulnerable and what we can do to help ourselves. Our health matters, too! Here’s a letter to Tiggy on the topic…

Dear Tiggy,

I was sexually/physically/verbally abused as a kid. As I got older, I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. However, my therapist and others have all told me that my bisexuality was a result of trauma and that I’m not actually bisexual.

I had a really hard time coming to terms with my sexuality, but when I’m in an accepting environment, I’m okay with it. Has anyone else been told this too? Most people will not even talk to me about this. I just wanted to know whether there are others like me at all.

-Maggie

Other queer people who have experienced abuse have been subject to inaccurate and ignorant theories connecting the two attributes. You are not alone, and I’m sorry that you have to put up with that treatment.

“Good for her for knowing who she is! Rock on!” That’s Peter Ruggiero’s reaction to the tenor of your letter. Peter serves/d on the board of the Bisexual Resource Center and BiNet, the two largest bi organizations in the States. He also works on behalf of male sexual assault ­­­­­­­­­­­­survivors, and is a survivor himself. Although your signature indicates that you are female, much of Peter’s knowledge of the psychology and sociology surrounding sexual abuse is relevant to survivors of any gender.

This is his take on why people are reacting to your sexual identity as they have: “When a survivor comes out with confidence, it knocks people off their pins. In this case, it’s the biphobia combined with people who are not sure of their own sexuality and related issues. Trauma plus religion can sometimes prompt this reaction as well. Maggie is coming at this with so much confidence that it’s jarring the people she’s talking to.”

I can only think of two reasons for why some people believe that your bisexuality is prompted by the abuse you faced…

HYPOTHESIS #1: Sexual trauma can shift someone’s sexual orientation.

This is such utter nonsense that I cannot take it seriously as a legitimate proposal. Pandora’s Project, a website for sexual assault and abuse survivors, addresses the matter aptly here.

It’s virtually impossible to prove a negative — i.e. “No environmental stimuli can shift your sexual orientation” — but there has been absolutely no indication, much less evidence, that it is possible or has ever happened. In my opinion, any counselor who actually believes this hypothesis should be barred from conducting a therapeutic practice.

Peter concurs: “There are old wives’ (and husbands’? Spouses’?) tales that abuse will make you this or that. There’s not a lot of precision to these accusations. I assure you, there is nothing scientific on which to base any presumption that sexual trauma will make you straight, gay, bi, or anything else.”

HYPOTHESIS #2: Having sex with people of different genders may be part of “acting out” subsequent to experiencing sexual trauma.

This could be what your therapist is claiming. Let’s take a look at common reasons behind post-trauma sexual acting out:

  • You assert your sexual behavior in a manner that allows you to be in control, counteracting the feeling of helplessness from your trauma. Sexual orientation has no bearing on this.

  • You’re a straight male who was sexually abused by a male and you’re afraid that it means you’re gay. You have sex with women to prove to yourself that you are straight. This does not translate to other genders or sexualities because our society only values hetero masculinity. In other words, you have no reason to want to prove that you are bisexual.

  • You search for a high to distract from the pain caused by trauma. The dopamine hit or distraction you might gain from sex is irrespective of the gender of your partner.

  • You engage in reckless sex because the trauma has made you feel worthless. You can have risky or safe sex with any gender.

  • You don’t understand that the abuse you suffered is not normal or healthy. Clearly, this is not your problem but even if it were, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

  • You’re trying to recreate what happened on some level but “correct” the ending. The idea that this would prompt bisexuality for you presupposes that your abuser was female. (So if he wasn’t, this is moot.)

      • That last possibility was the only one whose invalidity I wasn’t 100% sure about. Luckily, Peter set me straight. “If you’re acting out, you’re acting out, period,” he says. “The gender of the person with whom you’re acting is not particularly germane; it’s the act of acting out.”

      Notice, too, that these theories only operate off of sexual abuse (not otherwise physical or verbal) and assume active sexual behavior (when perhaps you haven’t done that yet). The logic behind the suppositions others are making on your sexuality just doesn’t check out.

      Peter says, “There’s a lot of fear out there, and it combines with bi/homophobia in our culture. If your therapist is trying to convince you of your sexuality and you know she’s wrong, then her qualifications come into question. This therapist is not treating bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality; she is treating it as a way to be extra slutty. It’s just some old-fashioned biphobia.”

      Agreed, bi brother. From where I stand, Maggie, the most important factor in all this is that you seem perfectly comfortable with your sexuality. Ergo, I can’t see that anyone has the right or reason to pathologize it.

      Being bi is not a mental health problem.

      © 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 24, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

Deuces, I thought you would like to see this update on a letter about dating from a genderqueer perspective. But it’s not from the letter writer; it’s from their boyfriend. Zounds! Read on!

I do not have a question (yet?) but wanted to write as a follow up to the message “Tops Up” wrote to you in August 2013.

We have been together now for well over a year. Neither of us foresaw the other as being the partner we would end up with — for me because of my past experience with those who identified as bisexual (Tops Up’s identification when we met), and for Tops Up because of her reluctance to be with someone straight.

In interest of fairness to me, Tops Up did tell me their identity a few weeks after writing you. They weren’t completely surprised by my reaction, but were reassured that they made the right choice in telling me. While there were still some questions I had about what it meant, as well as what it meant for us as a couple, since then we have been more easily able to discuss these issues. One aspect I find fun is that we have the same taste in women. Aspects that have made it easier — and I was reassured by your response to Kris (March 3, 2015) — is that the sexual aspect has not been a part of our relationship. Tops Up and I both have our reasons for this.

After some time of dating Tops Up, I realized why it was easy for me to handle how they identify: I came to realize I am nearly completely gender blind. Its hard to describe but when I realized this and told them, it was almost an “a-ha moment,” at least for me.

I thought you would appreciate a follow up to one of the questions sent to you, especially since it has a happy ending so far. There are straight people who are comfortable being in a long term relationship with those who aren’t — and as Tops Up says to me regularly, I am not the typical straight male.

-M

Not typical but truly terrific. Thank you for sharing this update, M. A happy ending is just what we need as spring bursts forth! Deuces, we’re back on schedule next week with an all-new question on bisexual mental health.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 3, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, March is Bisexual Health Awareness Month! The BRC is focusing on mental health so I hope this column helps to get bisexual brains churning about bisexual brains.

Please send your mental health questions to Tiggy at tiggyupland (at) gmail (dot) com or via Tiggy’s queer query portal so we can work through it together.

Dear Tiggy,

For the past two years, after 25 years of believing myself straight and having heterosexual relationships, I’ve been struggling with realizing, accepting, and living with my bisexuality. I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me insane. I find that no matter whom I talk to socially, I’m constantly worrying and assessing my feeling and intentions towards that person regardless of gender.

I’m not one to sleep around and I would like pursue a long term relationship with someone but I’m in constant fear that if I have a heterosexual relationship in the end I’ll find out I’m actually gay and in denial, and if I have a homosexual relationship I’ll find out I’m straight just with gay fantasies. I don’t want to break someone’s heart over not understanding my orientation or be constantly questioning if I’m with the right person due to their gender. These days, I don’t know what feelings or thoughts are genuine and I seem to be repeatedly anxious. The appeal of a gay or straight relationship alternates day by day, hour by hour.

Again, I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me mad. Do you have any advice?

-Kris

Kris, the beauty of bisexuality is that it gives you space. It provides all the room you need for your dynamic desires. You can like one gender significantly more than others, you can end up never having sex with people of one/most/any of the gender(s), you can have a bunch of relationships with folks of a certain gender and then change it up and have a bunch with peeps of another — doesn’t matter, the bisexual label still fits. It is the ultimate sexuality for anyone who expects the unexpected and doesn’t rule out change.

Ironically, it sounds like bisexuality is making you feel in limbo, which is generally known as an in-between no-man’s-land that prevents you from acting at all. Instead of giving you the freedom to be whatever you are, limbo is characterized by uncertainty and paralysis. It’s the Middle Ages’ definition of purgatory and often seen as a waiting station between your place of origin and your destination.

But bisexuality is a destination. In fact, it is a location where more people drop their suitcases and yell, “I’m home!” than homosexuality. We have a culture and a community all our own, ready to support you in your relationships and assure you that we feel the same way you do. I can tell you with certainty that the paralysis you feel — i.e. your reluctance to have relationships until your sexual identity is completely sorted out — is entirely of your own making. You have the power to embrace your bisexuality and sally forth with romantic and sexual engagements; often the best way out of indecisiveness is to simply commit to an option and advance.

And yet, it is known in psychology circles that being in long-term limbo often leads to anxiety and depression. In some ways, it’s considered as emotionally dangerous as hitting rock bottom. In addition to potentially resulting in anxiety, I believe your limbo might also be caused by anxiety. As much as I can determine from a letter, I don’t think you have Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like some of the folks in this column do, but I suspect that you are experiencing anxiety in the form of perfectionism which is related to obsessive compulsive behaviors. (When you click on that link, be sure to read the comment from the bisexual who obsesses that they’re not bisexual. A kindred spirit!)

Your fear of hurting someone you’re dating due to being wrong about your sexuality indicates a high level of empathy and kindness, but it could also point to a desire for perfect conditions before proceeding. Sure, you might break some eggs in your relationship omelets, but we all assume that risk in love. I sense that your sexuality is simply a convenient hook for your anxiety to hang its hat on. After all, you can realize what you have is not what you want in any relationship.

I got that hat metaphor from Joseph J. Luciani’s book, Self Coaching. That and Feeling Good by David Burns are two fantastic reads on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that I highly recommend for you to address your anxiety and possible perfectionism. Even better than books is working with a therapist who practices CBT. The goal is to change your perspective on being in limbo because, really, it can be quite terrific.

In this moving blog post, Dr. Noelle Stern compares the in-between space of writer’s block to scientific chaos, as it appears to be wild disorder but in actuality is part of a grand plan that relies on that disorder to flourish into something incredible. Such phenomena can only happen in an open system which “maintain[s] a state of non-equilibrium, keeping the system off balance so that it can change and grow.” Kris, if you were to be open to the middle sexualities, well…just think of the possibilities!

Before I leave you, did you know that the limbo — meaning the dance under the stick — originated in Trinidad among African slaves? Supposedly, it represents life’s increasing challenges as the bar gets lower, and the human spirit triumphing over death as a dancer pulls his body beneath the stick. As ever, life goes on, even in limbo.

Developing a passion for the in-between…

How low can you go?

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 17, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I don’t know how to handle this! My husband opened a package sent to my 18-year-old son. The package contained a dildo.

My son knows we accept gay people and I’m sure he would be comfortable telling us if he was. The thing is, he has a girlfriend and seems to just like girls. Anyway, I’m not sure how to handle the package. I wish it had never been opened. I’m sure my son is expecting it and will know one of us has it.

How should we approach this? I feel so horrible because I know he will be embarrassed.

-Scunnered in Australia

All right, calm down, everybody calm DOWN. We’re gonna get through this.

Dang it, Scunnered, I don’t know how they do it in Australia but this is why opening someone else’s mail is a federal offense here in the States. You’ve got yourself a Pandora situation on your hands.

Here’s what, though: a male person using a dildo does not necessarily mean he is gay or bisexual, or that he enjoys receiving anal sex. Anal play in and of itself does not indicate sexual orientation. At all.

When you catch your breath on that one, here’s another revelation: the dildo might not even be for him to insert into his anus. In fact, it might not be for him, period.

Maybe he’s curious to see if he’d enjoy it. Maybe it’s for a joke. Maybe he wants to use it on his girlfriend. Maybe his girlfriend wants it for herself but can’t have it mailed to her house because her parents would open it, OOPS, he has the same kind of parents, OH WELL.

No matter how you deal with it, don’t make any assumptions on your son or his sexual activities based on the fact that a surprise dildo arrived on your doorstep. I’m sure I’m not the first person to impart these words of wisdom, but I’ll bet they’ve been useful every time they’ve been uttered.

Here are some options for you:

  • Wrap it back up, pretend you never opened it, and leave it for your son. How feasible this is depends on how good your poker face is and how badly you destroyed the package when opening it.

  • Leave it with a note that says OR Hand it to your son and say, “Your father accidentally opened this. He says he’s sorry,” and leave the room (or, better, the house). Don’t mention it again. Laugh about it in about 20 years.

  • Sit down with him to a meal at your house and hand him the box, letting him know that your husband didn’t mean to open it. This will give him a chance to give you an excuse, if he feels like it. Then you can say, “It’s fine,” change the subject, and keep eating dinner. Unlike the second option, you won’t be anxious about the next time you see each other.

I’m sorry you feel scunnered. It must be weird having your son’s adulthood and private matters shoved into your face like that. But really, this isn’t a big deal. He’s 18 – ‘round these parts, that’s an adult. One expects that an 18-year-old guy is somewhat acquainted with the idea of sex even if he hasn’t had it yet. No need to die of embarrassment, just soldier on. Power through the awkwardness, Mom, and he’ll take that cue from you.

There was only one time in history when a toy for Master Bates spelled unmitigated disaster, and it was this thing here.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 3, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

1/2/15
Dear Tiggy,

Our son, who just turned 16, had a girlfriend last year for a few months. He was crazy about her, said he felt “dizzy” when they held hands, and was quite sad when she broke it off. He has been lately getting closer and closer with his (male) best friend. They spend a lot of time together, going on long walks and such, all of which did not seem out of the ordinary. The other day, however, they were holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. They stopped abruptly when I entered the room. Later, I peeked around the corner and they were doing it again.

He has been acting more secretive lately. My wife and I keep trying to gently give him opportunities to talk to us about it but he has not yet shared anything. We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready. I have said non-specific supportive things to him lately, like that he can always talk to us about anything and asking him if there’s anything on his mind. He seems uncomfortable so I don’t push further than that. But we want to educate ourselves and be ready in case he springs it on us.

We know a lot about gay feelings (and are very comfortable with all of it) from our long experience with our many gay friends, but we do not have any bisexual friends and we feel like we know very little about what that is like, particularly for a teen. I have no idea if he even can categorize himself at this young age, nor do I want him to feel pressured to label himself. I suppose he probably falls into the “questioning” area right now, but still, we want to be able to talk to him about it whenever he feels ready. Also, we don’t know his friend’s parents very well and we don’t know if they know about this relationship; I think it is unlikely. We feel, just as we would if he were getting close and affectionate with a girl, that we don’t want him dating someone in secret.

My question, then, is this: is there anything we should know about the process of coming out as bisexual, compared with coming out as gay? Unlike other parents of gay kids who say they “knew for years” because of their child’s behavior, my son has never exhibited any outward signs of being gay, nor has he ever said or done anything that would have tipped us off. That said, he also is not nearly as girl-crazy as I was at 16. No Victoria’s Secret catalogs under the bed, but no International Male either. I am just scared of saying the wrong thing when he does decide to share with me, I want him to feel loved and happy, but at the same time he is so young and I remember how confusing everything is at this age. I know teenagers experiment sometimes but what constitutes experimenting and at what point has he crossed over into identity? I don’t want to belittle his feelings by suggesting that this is “just a phase”…but might it be?

Anyway, this is a long essay — sorry — but I am really experiencing a lot of confusing feelings myself right now, and any advice would be appreciated.

-Michael

1/3/2015
Dear Tiggy,

I just read the “For Parents” essay on the BRC website; I don’t know how I missed it the first time. It answered most of the questions I asked you! I am so sorry I didn’t check that first. If you know Robert Barton, please tell him THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Very helpful and informative. I still have one thing, though, that I could use advice on, so I will rephrase the question:

I wouldn’t feel right outing the other kid to his family if he is not ready, but I also don’t feel that I should allow my son to be dating this boy and doing anything physical with their son — even kissing and holding hands — if they don’t know about it. Any advice on how I should approach this?

If the other boy (also 16) is not ready or willing to tell his parents then I feel I should I tell my son he has to put the brakes on this thing until his friend has spoken to them. Once he has done that, and then in turn they have had a discussion with me and my wife, then I think we can figure out where we all are, but at least there will be no secrets.

If I tell my son that this is the way it has to be, I’m afraid it will be like I’m “forbidding” my son from seeing someone he cares about, but it seems to me that there are issues here that would apply to any parents, no matter what their kid’s sexual identity is. I would want the same thing if my son were involved with a girl, so it seems like it’s no different, but I think maybe it is different because of the issue of outing.

-Michael

Firstly, you and your wife are doing really well in handling this in a loving and supportive manner. Keep up the absolutely excellent work. It’s a relief to the entire bisexual community that people like you exist.

It’s good to get into the habit of treating an LGBT relationship the same way you’d treat a hetero one; it speaks to your sense of fairness. Here’s the thing, though: a romantic relationship your teenage son is having with another boy is different in a couple of ways than one with a girl. It needs to be treated as such mostly for reasons surrounding safety because society rejects same-sex relationships.

If you don’t know the other boy’s parents, then you don’t know whether outing him would endanger his physical or emotional safety. Please acknowledge that he could end up beaten, homeless, humiliated, and so forth, and that those consequences are not unlikely. I know someone from one of the most liberal areas of the U.S. who, when her parents discovered that she was in a same-sex relationship, was sent to exorcists. You do not have the right to put someone in that position, particularly a child, simply to enforce a personal tenet of transparency in relationships.

Even if the response from his family (and friends, and school…these things have a way of getting around) isn’t that bad, outing someone is a terrible thing to do. It robs a person of privacy and control over their own identity.

If your son were dating a girl and hiding the relationship, it would probably be because one of them was cheating, ashamed of the other, or had parents who did not approve. It makes sense that you would not support anything like that. But in not announcing a same-sex relationship, your son is trying to protect himself from bullying while figuring out his feelings without undue pressure. These seem to me like fine reasons to keep a relationship under wraps.

Attentive parents tend to want to know who their child is dating because they are interested in their kid’s life and have a responsibility to guide their son/daughter. But let’s be real here: a major reason that a parent might want to restrain their teenager’s romantic relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. That’s not an issue here.

You say: “We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready” (italics mine). These are excellent instincts. Know that that necessarily means not forcing his hand by insisting that he be out on your terms. I sense that you’re uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over all this…imagine how your son feels. I think you should continue offering general support but otherwise give your son some space to sort out his feelings. Know that he must feel so much safer to understand through your gestures that you have his back. And he gets that, trust me. Dads are never as subtle as they think!

By the way, it’s perfectly fine for you to kindly insist — without providing a reason — that he leave the door open when hanging out with this guy. You’re still his parent and it’s still your house. I doubt he’ll ask why this rule suddenly cropped up.

Note to Michael’s kid: They’re onto you, buddy!

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 20, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Hi, my name is Lana. I’m 23 and from Italy.

Since I was young, I’ve felt that my romantic and sexual orientation didn’t match. I fall in love with guys but I feel same-sex sexual attraction. Is this possible?

-Lana

Yes, it’s possible to have a romantic orientation that differs from your sexual orientation. I think we can credit the asexual community for introducing the general public to the idea of romantic attraction as separate from sexual attraction. (Incidentally, just as there are asexuals, there are also aromantics.) AVEN — The Asexual Visibility & Education Network — is a fantastic resource for learning more about this, even if it doesn’t necessarily relate to asexuality itself. Take a gander at the General FAQs for an education on attraction.

Allow me to offer a mere two examples of your many kindred spirits with this discussion and this discussion on the “Empty Closets” chat forums for coming out. That’s right, there are posts from other real, live heteroromantic homosexuals! You’ll see that some eventually choose to identify with a label that’s a bit more simplified. Others found that their attraction developed into something more specific over time. Still more figured out that they were demisexual and could experience sexual attraction once they had an emotional bond with a specific person. This introduced (limited) sexual opportunities with people of genders they originally thought they only enjoyed romantically.

Speaking of asexuals, you might consider getting to know their community, perhaps by participating in the AVEN Italian discussion boards. As a heteroromantic homosexual woman, you could find a terrific romantic relationship with an asexual man who is not bothered if you occasionally have sex with women. (And aces are just cool people to know anyway.) But that’s just one of many choices you have in potential fulfilling relationships. Remember, just because your romantic and sexual orientations don’t match doesn’t mean you can’t find a match.

Tim Gunn, my favorite homoromantic asexual, assures us that the need for everything to match is totally passe.

Please be aware that when I tell you that you can play with a variety of matches, I mean in your relationships. Also, under no circumstances should Axe Body Spray play any role in attempting anything sexual or romantic.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 6, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I started questioning my sexual orientation when I was 15 years old. When I came out to my mom as a bisexual, she said it was just a phase. Since I had a serious boyfriend at that time, I sort of forgot about my bisexuality and didn’t think about it for years, until now at age 20. I noticed that I was pushing women (my own gender) out of my life and it got me wondering whether I was doing so because I like them and that scares me.

I decided to go to the local LGBT Center — thank God we have one in my small city (Kherson, Ukraine). I met lots of lesbian girls and a few days ago, they asked me to hang out and play guitar with them. It was fun and I even met a girl who I liked. It seemed like she liked me too, so I asked her to share a cab home with me. I think she knew that I wanted the chance to be alone with her. As the evening wore on, we were already sitting closer to each other and holding hands. We ended the night at a gay club which was so liberating! I kissed her a lot and we danced slowly…it felt great.

But the next day when we went for a walk, it was very different. I had all of these thoughts in my mind, imagining myself hugging and kissing her, but I couldn’t make a move at all. She wasn’t proactive either, probably because she knows that I am not sure of myself and didn’t want to push me.

Is it possible that I was just drunk that night at the club, and that’s what caused my behavior? Or maybe I am so afraid of my feelings that I freeze up any time I think about touching her? I am still attracted to guys, in some ways a lot more than towards her or other girls. Also, she and I are pretty different and don’t have things to talk about, which makes it difficult for me to spend time with her.

I haven’t really had women in my life for a long time and I feel uncomfortable around them. Since I started questioning my sexual orientation again, I can’t ignore women when I’m in public. I like to smell their perfume, to watch their figures, their faces…we have a lot of beautiful and sexy women in our city!

Basically I thought that going to LGBT community center, spending time with the people there, and trying gay relationships would help me. I’ve always had these thoughts in my mind about girls but when it comes to reality, I can’t do it. I am nervous and I want to forget about it and just be as I was. Being with guys is so much easier for me; I know for sure when I am attracted to a guy or not. With women, it’s different: sometimes I see a girl and I know for sure that I like her, sometimes I don’t.

I can’t take it anymore…it’s exhausting. I want to know the truth and to be real with myself and then just live a normal life. Thank you!

-Lera

“Is it possible that I was just drunk that night at the club, and that’s what caused my behavior?” It’s pretty unlikely. Alcohol doesn’t make you do things that are totally out of character so much as it lowers your inhibitions and calms your anxieties. And being tipsy that night wouldn’t explain starting to question your sexuality five years prior, nor could it have prompted you to go to the LGBT Center in the first place.

“Or maybe I am so afraid of my feelings that I freeze up any time I think about touching her?” OK, I think you’re on to something with this theory.

I believe that you want to get out of this “questioning” period but I also think that as you begin to get closer to identifying as not-straight, your subconscious panics and thrusts you back into questioning. “Are you sure we’re not 100% straight?” your subconscious pleads. “Because I really want us to be heterosexual. It seems a lot easier.”

I suspect that you’re dealing with internalized homophobia. That’s when you take all of the anti-LGBT messages that society — school, church, the media, etc. — has pounded into your head for your entire life and you believe them. Your rational mind might hear some positive things about queer folks but your emotions make the final call that LGBT people are monsters, and that includes yourself. The daily bombardment of gay-hating is something that nearly all homo/bisexuals face and it’s a rare person who doesn’t bow under its weight.

Experts say that internalized homophobia is like Stockholm Syndrome. Named after the city where a bank robbery took place in the 1970s, this syndrome describes the mindset that drove the robbery hostages to defend, identify with, and admire their captors. A year later, America witnessed its most well-known incident of Stockholm Syndrome with millionaire heiress Patty Hearst. After being kidnapped for two months by the Symbionese Liberation Army, Hearst joined them in their next robbery, completely brainwashed to loyally support the very people who captured her. With internalized homophobia, you begin to agree with society that being queer is wrong.

Both Stockholm Syndrome and internalized homophobia are types of self-preservation. When you’re imprisoned, you try to obey your captors so that they will not kill you. You convince yourself that certain things the captor has done are acts of friendship and actually begin to bond with them. Likewise, if you grow up hearing from all sides that non-straight feelings and behavior are only for bad people, you try as hard as you can not to be “bad.” You still want your family, friends, teachers, and neighbors to like you even if they’re homophobic. You push away any queer socializing, reasoning that your loved ones are trying to help you with their anti-LGBT attitudes. In the worst cases of internalized homophobia, people appear to dissociate, as America has seen all too often with conservative male politicians passing severely anti-gay policies while secretly having sex with other men.

Really, it’s all incredibly sad.

But here’s the good news: if what you’re dealing with is, in fact, internalized homophobia, it’s a very manageable case of it. I want you to give yourself a major pat on the back for recognizing that you might be avoiding women due to fear of underlying feelings for them. That was some excellent insight. But you didn’t stop there; you plucked up your courage and went to the LGBT Center. Good for you! And then you partied with a girl you liked! Lera, you’re doing a fantastic job in finding out who you are and what you like.

Your plan to spend time with people at the LGBT Center and try same-sex relationships was totally smart. Keep going to the center and hanging out with new friends. If you’re not ready to kiss other women yet, that’s OK. Please don’t feel like you have to rush into anything. It sounds like this one isn’t the girl for you but maybe you’ll want to kiss someone you have more in common with. As for figuring out how you really feel, see if there’s a Coming Out group at the center. You might also ask the staff if they can recommend a therapist who will help you with coming out. The therapist does not need to be bisexual but they do need to be bi-friendly.

Lera, you’ve learned that the internal struggle between finding out your authentic sexuality and fighting internalized homophobia is exhausting. I wish I could release you from your anxiety with a snap of my fingers but it took years for that sexual Stockholm Syndrome to take root so I’m afraid it’ll take a while to dig it all out. You’re doing all the right things, though, and making new friends while you’re at it. Keep going and I predict that you’ll feel much more stable as you work through this with others who are doing the same.

The ‘phobes are trying to turn you against yourself! Don’t internalize that water!

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 23, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

How do I block out all of the negativity thrown towards the LGBT community everywhere? Family and friends aren’t supportive — they don’t know that I am bisexual — and everything they say affects me negatively.

I want to know if you have any tips to block it out because it brings me down and breaks my heart.

-Riad

You need expression, connection, and protection. We all do. This is where art comes in.

Two years ago, queer Afro-feminist blogger Spectra Speaks (the one from this column) posted a suggestion on relating to family members over the holidays not with queer theory rhetoric and social justice jargon but with movies. Her point was that storytelling, in all of its forms, breeds empathy better than a high-minded lecture. It’s not only a terrific proposal for dealing with vexing kin but I believe it’s also a great method of self-love.

Read bi and queer blogs regularly. Delve into LGBT novels (don’t miss the “classics” like Ann Herendeen’s Jane Austen-esque series), poetry (June Jordan pretty much invented bi verse), and memoirs (how about Clive Davis’s The Soundtrack of My Life?). This column will get you started on all of the online and paper bi magazines and newsletters out there.

Watch queer movies. I happen to adore Saving Face, But I’m A Cheerleader, and Show Me Love (A.K.A. F***ing Amal) but there are so many more out there to choose from. Listen to bi-positive music. When someone is saying something biphobic, put your headphones on and blast “Born This Way” by our girl, Gaga. You can stick to famous bi artists like Frank Ocean and Azalea Banks or you can look for more obscure stuff by Googling “queer music” and finding endless lists and sites.

Give yourself a broad definition of the word “art” and keep looking. Try documentaries, stand-up comedy, comic books, subversive embroidery – the works. Challenge yourself to find queer form in genres that you wouldn’t expect, like rap or horror movies. If you don’t have internet access (or privacy) at home, you might find this stuff at your public library.

Immersing yourself in pro-queer art is both a short and long term strategy. The best defense against internalizing biphobia is a good offense of LGBT-positive messages tie-dyed in uber-beauty. The world throws a hundred biphobic messages at you every day? Then you dunk into a tub with 101 droplets of bifabulous vibes — and there’s no better way to bathe than art. It will build you up over time, but it’s also good for some on-the-spot self-care right after someone delivers you a biphobic blow. Use it to decorate your Happy Place.

In addition to breathing it all in, you gotta exhale, too. Translate your own feelings into paintings and prose. This is where connection comes into play, since it’s exponentially more fulfilling to actually share your feelings with other real humans. Coming out allows for you to remind someone — and have them remind you — that being bi is the coolest, even when everyone else is telling you otherwise. If that’s not possible for you right now, maybe you can come out to people online. Then when you play Bigot Bingo at your next family gathering, you can log in and laugh with someone about your “win.”

Finally, find a way to block out at least some of the bad noise. You’re often alerted by headlines alone whether news is going to be hateful garbage with no value. In those cases, do not click. Do not open the door of your brain to trolls. Please know that there’s a difference between sticking your head in the sand about the troubles plaguing the world and refusing to be bombarded with mean and unfounded commentary on your community.

Likewise, commit to spending less time with people who always have unkind remarks about queer folks. You deserve to protect yourself from hurtful comments about your sexual identity. Once again, being out makes this easier because more people around you will implicitly be warned that you reject such views.

Expression, connection, and protection are the trinity of self-care, Riad. Infuse these elements into your life and I promise it will develop into a shield against a harsh environment.

Bob Ross and his happy trees will never steer you wrong.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.